GETTING pissed in the pub is beginner shit. Advanced drinkers should head to these places where it’s weird to get half-cut, but still possible.
A family trip to see the butterfly house, the Gorilla Kingdom and the petting zoo sounds like the epitome of wholesomeness, hardly the sort of place you would hold a stag do. However, alcohol is available in the zoo’s cafe. Were you minded to, you could get sozzled by mid-afternoon then start a fight with a chimpanzee for eyeing up your missus. It would win though.
A Catholic church
Wine is freely available at Catholic services, signifying the blood of Christ. You’ll have a hard job getting pissed on Jesus juice though as you’re only allowed to take a tiny sip. A hearty gulp could send you on your way, but you’re better off pairing it with a hip flask brought from home. Anything to fortify you for the dreary f**king hymns you’ll have to endure.
Your eight-year-old child’s birthday
You’re going to need it. While your kid is running around shrieking with dozens of other little terrors, you can sneak a few swigs from a bottle of Prosecco that you purchased specially to take the edge off. Make sure you keep it secret from other parents though, they’re going to want to get in on the action.
Sure, it looks like a classy joint on the surface. But Buckingham Palace is so flush with cash you know all the guests are likely treated to unlimited refills of the finest plonk in the land. In fact you’d look like the odd one out if you weren’t slurring your words while greeting the Ambassador for Macedonia or wherever. It would be your patriotic duty to do at least two tactical pukes.
Your kid’s hamster’s funeral
There weren’t any formal invites for this back garden ceremony, so it’s not technically wrong that you’re drunk as you watch a shoe box solemnly lowered into the ground. Anyway, funerals are supposed to be a celebration of life. The dearly departed Skittles would want you to see them off with a six-can salute.
The British Museum
To be fair, getting blind drunk in the British Museum would be the least dodgy thing to happen under its problematic roof. Compared to all the treasures stolen by the empire, knocking back a shot by the Elgin Marbles or sneaking a snifter by the Rosetta Stone is relatively innocent. Just try not to accidentally knock anything over, they’ve been through enough.