London Zoo, British Museum: Six places where it's inappropriate, but possible, to get drunk

GETTING pissed in the pub is beginner shit. Advanced drinkers should head to these places where it’s weird to get half-cut, but still possible.

London Zoo

A family trip to see the butterfly house, the Gorilla Kingdom and the petting zoo sounds like the epitome of wholesomeness, hardly the sort of place you would hold a stag do. However, alcohol is available in the zoo’s cafe. Were you minded to, you could get sozzled by mid-afternoon then start a fight with a chimpanzee for eyeing up your missus. It would win though.

A Catholic church

Wine is freely available at Catholic services, signifying the blood of Christ. You’ll have a hard job getting pissed on Jesus juice though as you’re only allowed to take a tiny sip. A hearty gulp could send you on your way, but you’re better off pairing it with a hip flask brought from home. Anything to fortify you for the dreary f**king hymns you’ll have to endure.

Your eight-year-old child’s birthday

You’re going to need it. While your kid is running around shrieking with dozens of other little terrors, you can sneak a few swigs from a bottle of Prosecco that you purchased specially to take the edge off. Make sure you keep it secret from other parents though, they’re going to want to get in on the action.

Buckingham Palace

Sure, it looks like a classy joint on the surface. But Buckingham Palace is so flush with cash you know all the guests are likely treated to unlimited refills of the finest plonk in the land. In fact you’d look like the odd one out if you weren’t slurring your words while greeting the Ambassador for Macedonia or wherever. It would be your patriotic duty to do at least two tactical pukes.

Your  kid’s hamster’s funeral

There weren’t any formal invites for this back garden ceremony, so it’s not technically wrong that you’re drunk as you watch a shoe box solemnly lowered into the ground. Anyway, funerals are supposed to be a celebration of life. The dearly departed Skittles would want you to see them off with a six-can salute.

The British Museum

To be fair, getting blind drunk in the British Museum would be the least dodgy thing to happen under its problematic roof. Compared to all the treasures stolen by the empire, knocking back a shot by the Elgin Marbles or sneaking a snifter by the Rosetta Stone is relatively innocent. Just try not to accidentally knock anything over, they’ve been through enough.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Dad vehemently denies falling asleep during film

A FATHER has angrily denied accurate accounts from multiple family members that he fell asleep during a film.

Contrary to the misguided observations of his wife and children, 45-year-old Bill McKay claims he was in fact merely dozing during a repeat of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom on ITV2 and was still taking everything in.

He said: “Yes, my eyes were closed and I was snoring, but that does not mean I was asleep. So don’t go bloody changing the channel because I was watching that for the umpteenth time.

“As a dad I’m capable of watching films through my eyelids while my brain is shut down. It’s one of our special powers, along with never being able to get our kids’ names right on the first go and finding it impossible to make small talk with sons-in-law.

“I will just have to quickly rewind it by an hour though. Might as well take in the visuals while I’m here. It would be rude not to give Ke Huy Quan’s breakout role my full attention.”

McKay’s daughter Lucy said: “I don’t understand why he won’t admit to the truth. It’s 2023, nobody watches films all the way through, we’ve got phones.

“Plus it’s the weakest instalment of the original trilogy. His dreams were sure to have a more satisfying narrative.”