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Woman on phone creates new phonetic alphabet

A WOMAN has invented an entirely new phonetic alphabet over the course of one phone call, it has emerged.

Eleanor Shaw unexpectedly became a pioneer of language abbreviation while on a call to her energy provider during which she forgot that A is Alpha, along with all the other letters.

She said: “They asked me to spell my name, but I panicked and forgot the weird alphabet that anally-retentive military types use. I started to freestyle it then quickly realised I was out of my depth.

“Things started questionably as I began with ‘E for epilepsy’. The dead air on the other end of the line made things worse, and I scrambled to fill the void by opting for ‘L for lube’. The line was bad, so I had to shout that one three times.

“By the time I got to my surname my brain was fried. ‘S for ceiling’ was the best I could manage, before I broke down in tears and pleaded with him to start throwing out some suggestions and put me out of my misery. I was dying on my arse out there.”

Call taker Ryan Whittaker said: “I was about to step in when Eleanor started going off-piste and using letters outside of her name. ‘X for xenacious’ was a personal favourite. So many people go for predictable old xylophone.

“Sadly I couldn’t find her records though and had to cut her off.”

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Vape pens, McDonald's and shit drugs: What does the money you give your kids get spent on?

GOT kids? Wondering where all that money you throw at them goes? Learn about the useless tat they piss it away on with this guide.

Vape pens

It’s funny how things change. When you were young, you spent your pocket money on cigarettes so you could inhale toxic chemicals and look cool in front of your friends. These days, your kids spend their pocket money on blueberry vapes so they can inhale toxic chemicals and look cool in front of their friends. It’s truly a different world.

McDonald’s

Yes, McDonald’s is greasy and highly processed. But it’s also cheap and delicious, so your kids are actually showing some money smarts by purchasing and eating it every day. If fresh produce was somewhat affordable, maybe they’d be tempted to splash their pocket money on that instead. Although probably not because it doesn’t come with fries and a Coke.

Shit drugs

Children these days don’t respect tradition. They no longer partake in good old-fashioned British drugs like cannabis, cocaine and heroin. Instead they do legal highs with strange names you’ve never heard before. And they don’t smoke or snort anything either. They exclusively suck all of their drugs through balloons and those little canisters you’re always confused by.

Apps

You’re not quite sure what your kids get up to on their phone. Whenever you ask, they hide it away and start swearing at you. But seeing as they have nothing else to show for the small fortune you send their way, it’s probably being spent on apps. You’d have a look to confirm your suspicions, but it’s not worth getting scratched in the eyes again.

American candy

Apparently regular old sweets don’t cut it anymore. Instead, kids prefer imported US candy with names like Head Exploders and Tongue Destroyers. And if they don’t come with an eye-watering price to pay the expensive shipping fees, they don’t want to know. Presumably that’s part of their disgusting appeal and you’re just too old to understand.

The cheapest available vodka

When your great, great grandad was a boy, he undoubtedly got pissed in a park with his mates on dirt-cheap shitty spirits like gin. And now you’re providing funding to help your kids keep that legacy alive. Standing there, watching your little ones slink off to the Co-op with a fake ID, you can’t help but feel a sense of family pride swelling up in your chest.

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