The Guardian reader's top 10 self-indulgent problems to write in about

THE Guardian’s Lifestyle section offers practical advice to middle class people with non-problems. Here are the most common inconsequential dilemmas it solves.

I’m tired

If you’re tired after doing tiring things you’re just tired. If you’re abnormally tired, eg. frequently in a paralysing state of exhaustion, GO AND SEE A F**KING DOCTOR IN CASE YOU’RE ABOUT TO DIE.

Should I put ice in white wine?

Probably not if you’re a genuine wine connoisseur with an expensive bottle of wine. Otherwise, yeah, if you want to. Next.

I wish I’d had sex with more people

Invariably sent in by a bloke who’s happily married and doesn’t want to jeopardise it at any cost. There’s no solution then, is there? Try moaning to a friend. They’ll resolve the issue by telling you to piss off.

My batter never rises properly

Find a trusted cook, eg. Delia, and follow their instructions rigidly. There is not some unique curse upon your batter.

Should I leave my husband for a Moroccan waiter 30 years younger?

No. See how easy that was?

Do I need a TV licence if I only watch on a laptop?

Yes. This is very common knowledge. You have not beaten the system with your fiendishly clever hi-tech loophole, ageing Guardian reader.

Do soulmates exist?

Obviously you’ll have more in common with one person than another. But our love lives aren’t governed by magic because we don’t live in Lord of the f**king Rings.

How can I reduce my carbon footprint?

You know the obvious sources of carbon dioxide, flying, driving a car, etc.? Do less of that. Tricky concept, but you’ll get the hang of it eventually.

Which houseplant should I get?

A green one you like looking at? But not a rare type that costs 200 quid. That’s just stupid.

There’s an age gap with my partner

Again, there’s no solution except ‘split up’, unless you can run them through a time machine. If the gap is pretty negligible, say, six years, you’re just wasting everyone’s time. Actually you’re all just wasting everyone’s time, you wankers.

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Did your degree improve your 'earning potential' or was it f**king useless? Take Rishi Sunak's quiz

RISHI Sunak says he will phase out degrees that do not improve ‘earning potential’ if he becomes Prime Minister. Did yours, or was it just a fun way to piss cash up the wall? Find out:

Did you have more than eight hours a week of lectures?

A) No. There was a reason I chose art history, and it wasn’t because I wanted to spend hours sitting in a lecture theatre while some boring old duffer tried to educate me. It’s where all the fit rich birds were.

B) Yes, my architecture degree required me to have 40 hours a week of contact time, which is why I’m allowed to be so horribly f**king smug about my job now.

Do your friends rip the piss out of your subject choice?

A) Yes. They think me throwing £50k away doing a degree in creative writing at a London university is hilarious, whereas I am quietly dying inside.

B) No. I’m a doctor now, so they’re slightly jealous of my wage while being utterly horrified by the hours I work.

Have you paid off your student loan?

A) Are you f**king kidding? I’ve only got nine years left before the outstanding amount is written off. Thanks, government.

B) Yes, I made it a priority after getting my mathematics degree and finding a job at a hedge fund. Only took a few months.

Does your current job have anything to do with what you studied?

A) Well, I suppose you could say a customer facing role at Aldi requires a certain degree of performance, so my Professional Acting BA wasn’t entirely wasted.

B) Yes, I’m a mechanical engineer. My mates thought it was a boring choice but who’s laughing now? Not them, with their fashion degrees and jobs in sales administration.

Did you study philosophy, politics and economics at Oxford?

A) No. Do I look like some kind of overprivileged twat desperate to be rich and important?

B) Yes, everyone knows this is the easiest way to join the British elite. Just ask David Cameron, Rupert Murdoch, Jeremy Hunt and me, Rishi Sunak.


Mostly As: Your degree has not improved your earning potential and is just a financial millstone around your neck. Hopefully you enjoyed yourself getting shitfaced and shagging anything that moved, because that’s literally all you’ve got out of it.

Mostly Bs: Your degree was worth it financially, but has turned you into either a rich wanker, morally dubious politician or a dangerously overworked medical practitioner. None of which are ultimately things to aspire to.