THE Guardian’s Lifestyle section offers practical advice to middle class people with non-problems. Here are the most common inconsequential dilemmas it solves.
I’m tired
If you’re tired after doing tiring things you’re just tired. If you’re abnormally tired, eg. frequently in a paralysing state of exhaustion, GO AND SEE A F**KING DOCTOR IN CASE YOU’RE ABOUT TO DIE.
Should I put ice in white wine?
Probably not if you’re a genuine wine connoisseur with an expensive bottle of wine. Otherwise, yeah, if you want to. Next.
I wish I’d had sex with more people
Invariably sent in by a bloke who’s happily married and doesn’t want to jeopardise it at any cost. There’s no solution then, is there? Try moaning to a friend. They’ll resolve the issue by telling you to piss off.
My batter never rises properly
Find a trusted cook, eg. Delia, and follow their instructions rigidly. There is not some unique curse upon your batter.
Should I leave my husband for a Moroccan waiter 30 years younger?
No. See how easy that was?
Do I need a TV licence if I only watch on a laptop?
Yes. This is very common knowledge. You have not beaten the system with your fiendishly clever hi-tech loophole, ageing Guardian reader.
Do soulmates exist?
Obviously you’ll have more in common with one person than another. But our love lives aren’t governed by magic because we don’t live in Lord of the f**king Rings.
How can I reduce my carbon footprint?
You know the obvious sources of carbon dioxide, flying, driving a car, etc.? Do less of that. Tricky concept, but you’ll get the hang of it eventually.
Which houseplant should I get?
A green one you like looking at? But not a rare type that costs 200 quid. That’s just stupid.
There’s an age gap with my partner
Again, there’s no solution except ‘split up’, unless you can run them through a time machine. If the gap is pretty negligible, say, six years, you’re just wasting everyone’s time. Actually you’re all just wasting everyone’s time, you wankers.
