WITH Wikipedia laid low by chronic indignation, the Daily Mash has unselfishly stepped into the breach with a list of today’s Top Ten Must-Have facts:
1. Benedict Cumberbatch was born Cumberdick Bendybatch. He changed it because he thought it sounded weird.
2. The Costa Concordia is a huge metaphor for Italy because it formed an alliance with Hitler during the second world war and has won four World Cups.
3. Humans are not designed to understand the phrase ‘complex carbohydrates’.
4. Richard Dawkins became an atheist after Gloria Hunniford befouled his Segway.
5. The Eurozone crisis has already been solved but Brussels Eurocrats don’t want you to know.
6. In today’s ultra-competitive jobs market, the best way to secure long term, lucrative employment is to tell the interviewer how much you enjoy uploading quirky cat photographs to icanhascheezburger and using the word ‘c*nt’ on Facebook during office hours.
7. Goldman Sachs owns your house and at some point they are going to want it back.
8. ‘Anal sex’ was the 73rd most popular search term on Wikipedia last year. It was mostly Republican candidate Rick Santorum getting himself into an angry froth.
9. Sherlock Holmes faked his death by hiring a BBC film crew and two of the people who write Doctor Who.
10. This article is our intellectual property, if you steal it we will RUIN you.