IF CATHOLICISM ever wants to be as big as BTS, it needs an upgrade and new saints to pray to. Which ones do we need the most?
St Gavin, patron saint of Tinder dates
Saint Valentine covers actual lovers, but hapless daters who get ghosted four times a month deserve their own. They can say a little prayer every time they go on another doomed date. It won’t increase their chances of getting a shag someone but it might give them someone else to monologue about their previous failed relationships to.
[indecipherable scribble] the patron saint of lost Hermes parcels
St. Anthony is the patron saint of lost things, but in a papal edict last year he said he ‘is not f**king touching’ Hermes parcels. We need a saint with the power to condemn drivers to hell on-the-spot when they boot a parcel over a hedge or conceal it deep in a bin on bin day.
St Jayden, patron saint of Insulate Britain
Finishing 2021 as one of the most loathed groups of people in Britain is quite an achievement and should be rewarded with a spiritual guardian. If they’re not being imprisoned they’re being screamed at by women in Range Rovers, so they need something to place their faith in.
TBC, patron saint of lost Tories
The Tories used to have their own saint, but Thatcher sold it off in the 80s. Now millions of voters are in spiritual crisis about how to be the moral, responsible ones when they put a party clown in charge. Saint Dominic, the patron saint of criminals, wants nothing to do with it.
St Piers, patron saint of anti-vaxxers
Do people so wilfully careless with other people’s lives deserve a patron saint? Well, it’ll be too late for vaccines when they turn up on a Covid ward but it’s never too late for prayer.
St Adele, the patron saint of divorce
Adele is so universally adored that the Pope will be more than happy to canonise her while she’s still alive. She won’t have to do much different to continue to be the spiritual protector and guide of heartbroken women who’ve been on the merlot, but it would be nice to make it official.