THE price for celebrating Christmas without curbs will be months of hardcore lockdown restrictions starting on Boxing Day.
Following Boris Johnson’s bold science-disregarding decision to make everyone like him again, the country is in no doubt that come December 26th they will be back to trudging around parks every weekend and cutting their own hair with clippers.
A Downing Street spokesman said: “Take a good, long look at your family and friends this Christmas Day, because unless they’re in your support bubble you won’t be seeing them for a while.
“Remember how shit the January lockdown was last year? This one will be worse. And we’ll insist it isn’t actually a lockdown by dancing around words like curbs and restrictions and implying it’s all your fault.
“Pubs? Gyms? Nando’s? All opened and closed according to unfathomable new regulations designed to make you give up and stay home. You’ll be so beaten and broken by this one you’ll do your own lockdown.
“But you’ll be able to eat Christmas dinner with your uncle who asks why you’re still single and if you’ve got a proper job yet. Which will make the coming misery worth it.
“Merry Christmas. If you’re staying with in-laws you’ll be with them until February.”