‘The real victims of phone hacking are the people who loathe John Prescott’

THE forgotten victims of the phone hacking scandal are the millions who would love to see John Prescott living under a bridge, it was claimed today.

Prescott is expected to say something smug and charmless

As the most unspeakable holder of high office in British history received a six-figure settlement from News International, campaigners called for compensation for all those who will be traumatised by the increase in Prescott’s wealth.

Helen Archer, director of OafWatch, said: “Every time John Prescott open his fat, stupid, greedy, chippy, shit-eating mouth it feels like he is burgling my soul.

“The fact he has now been given this money because some arsewit thought he was remotely interesting demands a public inquiry that must ultimately force him to compensate all those he has defiled with his jowly, malodorous sense of entitlement.”

Archer added: “Many of the people receiving money today are truly repellent, but none of them makes us want to puke in a bucket and then shove his head repeatedly into the bucket as much as the former deputy prime minister.

“We can only hope this award leads to a more responsible attitude towards John Prescott and that one day absolutely every single person in this country will wish him nothing but destitution and misery.”

Archer said the award also extinguishes any lingering doubts about the closure of the News of the World, stressing that any newspaper that enriches Prescott ‘must be
completely destroyed’.

Prescott victim Roy Hobbs said: “He could at least give some of the money to that poor secretary he was spilling gravy all over.

“It wasn’t for her why would they have hacked his phone? So they could hear him ordering butties at three o’clock in the morning and complaining about how no-one lets him do anything important?”