'They should teach kids about tax at school,' says man who would have spent whole lesson drawing dicks

A MAN who spent his school days drawing penises on textbooks believes children would benefit from being taught about Britain’s tax system.

Wayne Hayes reckons the national curriculum should include lessons on money management and basic economics, conveniently forgetting that he wasted time in classes by doodling crude representations of male genitalia.

He said: “You get taught loads of pointless shit in school like trigonometry and how many wives Henry VIII had. Unless you go to university or pub quizzes, you don’t need to know that stuff.

“Kids would be better off being taught about taxes instead. Yes, I would have been bored senseless by it and spent my time drawing dozens of dicks in my jotter, but maybe some valuable information will slip through subconsciously.

“Teachers could even liven it up by covering offshore accounts and Al Capone. Youngsters these days are all about the hustle and grind, so they’ll love to hear how they can make their TikTok fortunes go further like a gangster or Jacob Rees-Mogg.

“Failing that, children could look at my latest pay cheque and get a taste of the misery that awaits them. That should jolt them into taking it all in.”

He added: “Drawing the three little spunk droplets was always my favourite bit.”

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Woman not going out until March

A WOMAN has confirmed that she is not leaving her home until March and that nothing and nobody can stop her.

Eleanor Shaw, aged 29, works from home, gets groceries delivered and can see no impediment to remaining in her two-bedroom flat for the next four months until the weather is less oppressive.

She said: “Previous generations had no choice but to leave the house. I do, so I’m not going to.

“The outdoors is cold, dark, nasty and only going to get worse. Inside it’s warm, cosy and has a plethora of entertainment options all easily accessed by sitting on my arse. What’s my incentive?

“I can stay fit on the Peleton, I can chat with friends on social media, there’s a literally inexhaustible supply of pornography if I get horny. Worst case scenario I can get a bloke in from Tinder, they do home visits.

“The whole of human history has been driven by the desire to get inside out of the pissing rain with lots to eat and do. Now that’s within our grasp. It would be slapping our forebears in the face not to live the life they dreamed of.

“I will emerge in March to the kiss of the spring sunlight and a better world. Christmas? They can come to me if they want and if they don’t, f**k them.”