Randomly start a fight while ordering: the proper etiquette for buying a kebab at 3am while blind drunk

STAGGERING to the kebab shop after a night’s heavy drinking, pausing only to urinate in an alleyway? Remember to mind your manners and follow these protocols: 

Select your kebab with incomprehensible words

One does not order a kebab at 3am after a night on the lash with a clear or articulate vocabulary. Doing so would only highlight how out of place you are amongst the other clientele. Instead, you should use a series of slurred, guttural moans, interspersed with grunts that sound like you know the staff on a personal level. Even better, just point at what you want. 

Randomly start a fight while ordering

Purchasing a wrap of shredded meat is only part of why people go to kebab shops after a night out. Just as ladies of high society would go to balls to be seen in years gone by, pissheads head to takeaways for the delightful pastime of starting on someone who looked at them funny. Plus it kills some time while you wait for the chef to prepare your order.

Get briefly mesmerised by the skewer

The slowly rotating skewer of kebab meat is there to be marvelled, so pay it the respect it deserves and become momentarily transfixed by it. Failing to be impressed by its uneven flesh flanked by glowing heating grills gives the impression that you’re too good for its charms, and will make your gracious hosts feel uneasy. A good eight-second gawp will suffice.

Clumsily pay by waving your debit card around

Cash is woefully out of date. Plus they likely don’t take it anyway and it’s too fiddly for your drunken hands. The proper way to pay is to take your debit card out of your wallet and flail it around near the counter. With any luck you’ll hear a few beeps and the unseemly hassle of a financial transaction will be dealt with smoothly.

Promptly drop your kebab in the road

Having successfully purchased your kebab, all that’s left to do is send it flying into the road. You can do this by throwing it, but if you’re drunk enough then gravity will do all the hard work for you as you stumble out the door and slip over. You may now tuck in by greedily scooping the kebab into your mouth from the tarmac.

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Woman wearing bold lipstick sacrifices drinking fluids

A WOMAN wearing a brightly-coloured lipstick has given up drinking fluids so as not to ruin it, it has emerged.

Emma Bradford has turned her back on the basic human requirement of drinking liquids because it threatens to smudge her new statement lipstick from Boots which she spent a fortune on.

She said: “Not only is this lipstick daring, cool and empowering, it’s also taken over my whole life and started giving me dehydration headaches. I love it.

“Whenever I reach for a cup of tea or a glass of water I have to slap my hand away for fear of exposing my regular lips, which look dull in comparison and are mysteriously all dry and crusty.

“Even drinking through a straw would threaten to wear the lipstick away and leave me looking ridiculous. No, slowly dying of thirst like my houseplants is the much more sensible course of action. Plus I don’t have to waste precious time going for a piss anymore.”

Friend Joshua Hudson said: “Emma went in to kiss me the other day then backed out at the last moment. She said things were moving too fast but I know it’s because of that f**king lipstick.”