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November Rain: six seasonal songs written in the vague hope of annual royalties

BEING a musician isn’t all about learning chords and being able to sing. You also need to find untapped lucrative seasonal events to rinse, like these:

Guns N’ Roses: November Rain

The LA rockers hadn’t even exhausted their songs made exclusively for strip clubs before testing everyone’s patience with this headache-inducing power ballad. Originally a lucrative stop gap to please people who weren’t whiskey-soaked frat boys that loved their crap song for Terminator 2, its unwelcome repeated airplay has kept Slash looking like an uncle in fancy dress for decades. And his hat was all anyone liked about them anyway.

Simon & Garfunkel: April She Will Come

April did indeed become the cruellest month once the folk duo soundtracked it with sounds of gnomes dancing around a toadstool in the woods. Not only famous and royalty-winning after featuring in that film about a MILF, it’s also popular with pretentious twats claiming to love ’60s music while trying to woo girls called April. Still, it’s much shorter than The Sound of Silence which your dad insists on subjecting you to.

Bryan Adams: Summer Of ’69

Adams is lucky he scored this hit before we all associated him with medieval men in tights. Changing the title last minute also proved a devious ploy as he barely sings that actual line, yet it’s still guaranteed to turn any July wedding into a happy, horny dance floor. Especially for those ancient enough to remember Woodstock, who are the only people still buying his music and lining his pockets.

Kid Rock: All Summer Long

Spawning his own annoying summer anthem wasn’t enough for Kid Rock. No, he had to mash together three better songs and ruin them all in the process. Even now, you can’t listen to Sweet Home Alabama without hearing him sing about how he didn’t have no internet while being caught between being a boy and man. You hope he’s really proud and it made him millions.

Earth, Wind, and Fire: September

The funk and soul group were smart songwriters, and even smarter for marking their own unofficial holiday. While the band smiles and dances all the way to the bank, the rest of the world is brainwashed into hearing popping bass and vibrant strings on an annual basis. The song’s even more famous than the natural winter solstice, which is messed up.

Mariah Carey: All I Want For Christmas Is You

Christmas songs were nothing new by the time this one was recorded. But even Mariah Carey could not have known this track would go on to become the yearly harbinger of the festive season. At most she might have hoped to cash in on it for a couple of years, but now look at it. November and December will forever bring her more royalties than your career will in your lifetime. Merry Christmas.

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Alexander Armstrong, and six other people your mum would rather you'd married

YOUR mother believes you need guidance in making the correct choices, including your poor judgment in choosing a spouse. Even though your husband is right there: 

Alexander Armstrong

A strange quiz show gremlin to the likes of you and me, a genius and superior marriage material to your mum. Imagine all the endless hours you could have spent together, hearing him rattle off useless trivia in between listening to tracks from his solo album. Plus he might’ve introduced you to Richard Osman.

Ben Fogle 

He’s a dishevelled upper class hunk who lived in the Hebrides and rowed the Atlantic like a proper man, what’s not to like? Plus he’s the author of a lovely book about Labradors which your husband was stupid enough to give her for Christmas four years ago. He essentially built himself a gallows.

Him from Countryfile who used to do The One Show

You know, that hunk who used to present Blue Peter. Farmhand type. He’s got Mr Darcy’s good looks and big strong arms that look like they could cradle a lost foal on a windswept moor. Not like your husband, who’s deathly allergic to cats. Why are you still with him again? Oh great, now he’s crying.

Mick Hucknall

You were only three when your mum first heard Stars by Simply Red, but even then the die was cast. Here was a polite young lad with the voice of an angel who clearly valued faithfulness and virtue as well as being the eternal boy next door; in other words, ideal marriage material. And you know he’s never going to cheat because, well, look at him.

Your ex-fiancé 

You left Paul because he was a cheating, deluded and pathologically dishonest piece of shit. Big mistake. Your mum hasn’t stopped gushing about how he once presented her with a (stolen) Andrea Bocelli CD and she never will. A sweet and charming gent but you were just too self-absorbed to see it.

Elon Musk

The world’s richest man was never going to go unnoticed by your mum. Sure, he destroyed Twitter and has a string of ex partners who seem to loathe him, but in her eyes he’s got his head screwed on straight. Plus he’s got ambitions like going to Mars, whereas your husband’s biggest goal is to clear out the garage in the next decade.

Boris Johnson

Bound to provoke revulsion from you, but your mum’s an ageing Tory who likes her bad boys. In her opinion all the horrendous stuff he did was Carrie’s fault anyway. What Boris really needs is a decent woman in his ear, plus you’d probably be health secretary by now if you shacked up with him, not still farting around as a GP.

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