The teacher who left had a nervous breakdown, and other bullshit myths you believed at school

IF all the rumours you swallowed at school were true you’d have been living through the greatest soap opera ever. But they were all bollocks, like these:

A sixth former shagged a teacher

The best looking lad in Year 12 was always being kept behind by Miss Phipps the attractive young English teacher, and you all knew why: they were shagging. Truth was he was thick as shit and needed extra tuition. But he was hardly going to deny being thought studly enough to bang an older woman, was he?

A kid took LSD and jumped out of a window

Despite the fact that any educational institution in which such an illegal and dangerous event took place would likely have been shut down, you fearfully believed this tale and swore you’d never take drugs. Until you reached Year 11, when you found yourself smoking spliffs on the school field every lunchtime, to the extent that you failed your GCSEs.

That mysterious boy who only came for half a term died

You only saw him for about six weeks, no-one ever made friends with him, and then he just mysteriously vanished. Obvious, then, that he must have met a sudden and untimely death. The reality was, his parents managed to get him into a private school shortly after moving into the area, and he’s now a millionaire tech entrepreneur who remembers his single term at your shit secondary with a horrified shudder.

The teacher who left had a nervous breakdown

Your science teacher was very bad-tempered and seemed to be constantly teetering on the brink of a full-blown meltdown. After you had tormented her for a couple of years, she abruptly left, triggering the rumour that she had gone completely insane and been committed to some kind of institution. Truth was, she had delightedly landed a post at another school where all the kids weren’t thick as pig shit.

The canteen is haunted

A kid choked in the canteen and died, but it happened before your time, a real shame as all that drama would have been awesome. Sometimes on a chip, other times a slice of pizza, always with the added flourish about the dinner lady who tried in vain to save him by performing a tracheostomy with a butter knife. You could have asked older kids for confirmation, but another rumour was that if you even looked at someone from the year above you immediately got given a wedgie.

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Menstrual mood swings oddly liberating, women agree

WOMAN have confirmed that the hormones and mood swings associated with menstruation give them free reign to let their worst but most honest emotions show.

The resentments and grievances that they politely keep under control the rest of the time can be unleashed on a rightfully cowering world, with pleasing results.

Sophie Rodriguez, aged 33, said: “During this month’s period I’ve managed to successfully intimidate a cyclist into getting off the pavement, got a refund from a terrified stylist after a horrible haircut and called my boyfriend a ‘useless little f**kface’. It’s been glorious.

“Menstruation is a messy pain in the arse, but it’s the only time I can really let go and express my dissatisfaction and anger with all life’s irritations. I don’t feel guilty or use the phrase ‘no problem if not’. Instead, I can just enjoy going unashamedly mental.

“And while women may have been oppressed for centuries and portrayed as irrational lunatics controlled by the moon, it means I don’t have to suffer any consequences for my actions.

“Instead, I can just shrug and say it was those big nasty hormones taking over poor little old me and everyone understands. Up yours, patriarchy.”