Fine, I'll bring back Patel if that's what you all want, says Sunak

THE prime minister has decided to bring back former Home Secretary Priti Patel because that is clearly what you are all clamouring for.

Rishi Sunak has read between the lines of political outcry surrounding Suella Braverman’s Times article and proceeded to grant everyone’s wish of reappointing Priti Patel to the position of Home Secretary.

He said: “I hear you. All this talk of Remembrance Day protests and police bias is your awkward, roundabout way of begging for Patel’s unwavering smirk to return to office. And who am I to refuse?

“Compared to her hardline stance on immigration and reports of institutional bullying, Braverman is far too cuddly and personable. You want better, and you deserve better.

“Clearly that speech about hurricanes of mass migration failed to impress. Even claiming that living in a tent was a lifestyle choice was too little too late. You still craved the architect of the cruel Rwanda plan, and nobody else would suffice.

“Braverman will be given her marching orders, and no doubt she’ll find a new home on GB News by the end of the year. It’s the natural order of things.”

Patel said: “I’ve come up with loads of great ideas since I’ve been away. First up: life imprisonment for Guardian readers.”

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Doctor Who not for children but developmentally delayed adults, says showrunner

RUSSELL T Davies has confirmed that his upcoming series of Doctor Who is not for children but for adults who, for complex reasons, are unable to enjoy proper television.

The showrunner explained that, despite being about a magic man in a magic house who travels through time, the show is aimed firmly at an adult audience albeit one that has certain unresolved issues.

He continued: “These new specials bring back David Tennant as the nice safe man you had a crush on when you were too young to understand why. You’ll like that.

“One of the episodes is also very scary. Not, like, horror film scary, just scary for those who have yet to graduate past television that resolves neatly in 45 minutes with happy, happy smiles.

“Why is it still on at teatime before the watershed? Because this audience has very specific demands and will not tolerate change. It upsets them, and it’s easier to pander to them than put up with their online tantrums.

“So yes, Doctor Who is for adults, but a particular subset of adults. Don’t try to just watch it if you’re normal. You won’t know what the f**k’s going on or why it even exists.”

Doctor Who fan Oliver O’Connor said: “I hope they finally resolve the questions left by The Brain Of Morbius that have tormented me ever since. It was also when Dad left.”