Why do the police refuse to crack down on these threats inside my head?

By Roy Hobbs.

The British way of life is under attack. Poppy sellers are being assaulted. The Home Secretary is being forced out of office for speaking up for the silent majority, never mind all that nonsense about breaking ministerial codes.

The Cenotaph is being desecrated by crazed anti-war extremists who’d rather there were no wars and therefore no Cenotaph at all, cancelling a vital part of our heritage.

But the woke police won’t take action on any of this because they say there is no evidence that it has actually happened, despite it being reported by the always forensically accurate newspaper The Sun.

Evidence? If they want evidence, they only have to come and look in my imagination. It’s right there. They’ll find all this, and much more.

Crazed protestors drowning out the two minute silence on Remembrance Sunday chanting ‘F**k Captain Tom’ and painting the Churchill statue gay colours. Big, bald lads who enjoy the footie getting wrongfully arrested for being a bit too enthusiastically patriotic with their fists. Hamas terrorists being given the key to the City of London by Sadiq Khan.

What are the Met going to do about that, I wonder?

Also, loony left councils cancelling poppies and insisting that they feature the colours of the Palestinian flag, with those who bravely wear the traditional red one facing hefty fines or even imprisonment.

That’s just something I dreamt up a minute ago but if I’m thinking it, thousands more must be, and meanwhile the police stand idly by and insist they can do nothing until something actually happens, by which time it will be too late.

So come on, Metropolitan Police, the threats inside my head are growing day by day. It’s time for mass arrests of anyone who seems like the sort of person who might do the sort of thing I haven’t even imagined yet. You know our friend Suella would agree.

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Lanyard powerless outside corporate realm

A CORPORATE worker is beginning to realise that her lanyard wields no power in the outside world.

While the length of ribbon with an access pass on the end bestows great authority on her within work, middle manager Francesca Johnson is frustrated that it does not apply outside of it.

She said: “I display this symbol of dominance with my power suit jacket open, so underlings can clearly see the word ‘senior’ in my job title.

“On days when I need to assert myself with extra confidence I wear my hair in a high pony and it swishes in perfect harmony with my lanyard as I stride through the security gates and into a meeting.

“However, for some reason it didn’t wield the same power in M&S yesterday lunchtime, when I held the lanyard up in the self-scan area, saying ‘I require a till, I’m very busy’. Instead I was merely tutted at.

“On the other hand, it did work on the tube. I loudly demanded ‘Give me a seat please, I have a lanyard!’ several times, and people got up and moved away.

“I don’t know whether it was because the passengers acknowledged the power of the lanyard or because they were scared of the mad woman on public transport. But, either way, it worked.”