Tossers ‘curating’ everything

AN arts twat claims to have curated a cup of tea by adding milk and sugar.

35-year-old visual artist Stephen Malley said: “The tea-making process is an ongoing dialogue between water, milk and tea that requires careful curation.

“I took being thirsty as my starting point, then I began to construct a response based around a mug.

“Overall I curated the hell out of this hot drink. Can I have some grant money or a telly interview please?”

Fellow paint-splattered dickhead Mary Fisher said: “I’ve just finished curating a grass roots cultural event. It’s my kid’s fifth birthday party and I booked a clown for it.”

Linguist Norman Steele said: “Everyone is a curator now, whether through choosing some blindingly obvious bands for a festival, putting lettuce in a sandwich or simply deciding to breathe.

“This kind of term is particularly useful if you have no talent apart from a chameleonic ability to talk like the twats who hand out government cash.

“Or if, God help you, you think Alan Yentob is cool.”

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Ask Holly: Would Samuel Pepys have taken a belfie?

Dear Holly,

Everyone thinks that the release of my new book of selfies which someone who I pay to think for me has wittily entitled Selfish, means that I am nothing but vacant and vain in equal measure. Just because I am completely inarticulate to the point of literally, like, literally, doesn’t mean I can’t be allowed to express my intense love of myself over the years through autobiographical photography rather than actual literal words. If Samuel Pepys had owned an iPhone there’s no way he would have had time to write anything down because he would have been far too busy taking belfies and photobombing the Great Fire of London. Wouldn’t he?


Los Angeles

Dear Kim,

People are so funny about selfies, but us primary school kids love them. My teacher, Mrs Dodkins says it’s because we’re generally all self-obsessed little cretins with access to powerful technology but no sense of humility, whatever that means. Mrs Dodkins is probably just grumpy because that video of her twerking at the school disco went viral.

Hope that helps!