Clegg happy to carry on being The Gimp

NICK Clegg has confirmed his role in any future coalition will be The Gimp.

The Lib Dem leader said he would bring ‘something vital’ to either a Labour or Tory led administration by continuing to be ‘a disturbing but also rather pathetic creature who will simply stand and watch’.

Launching his party’s manifesto, he added: “I’m not a bad motherfucker, a clumsy hitman, a washed-up boxer or a no-nonsense clean-up expert.

“I’m not a sexy moll who loves to dance, or a terrifying drug baron who gets sodomised by a maniac. I am simply The Gimp.”

“Every coalition needs a trusty gimp. I will put the national interest first and once again don my tight, black leather mask and watch as Britain is tied to a chair and has a red ball gag shoved in its mouth.

“I promise I won’t say a word.”

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United Arab Emirates 'may not have enough oil to revive Man City'

THE funds required to rebuild Manchester City could leave the once oil-rich United Arab Emirates facing ruin.

Despite possessing the fourth largest oil reserves in the world, it is feared that ploughing the billions needed to reverse the club’s losing streak could leave the country poorer than Somalia.

City owner Sheik Mansour, said: “Paying off a succession of  coaches who we signed because they were grey haired and foreign sounding has reduced us to our last 5,000 barrels.

“Then we must factor in future purchases of ancient ex-Arsenal players who have come to regard Man City as a luxurious retirement home.

“And obviously I am going to pay £100 million for Jack Wilshere in exchange for seven injury-free games before we ship what’s left of him off to Aston Villa.

“Would anyone like to buy some sand?”