Totally unreasonable bastards expecting man to do his job

A MAN is being unfairly expected to do the job he is paid to do, it has emerged.

Wayne Hayes, an administrator at a small print company, has been subjected to a campaign of harassment by colleagues and customers demanding he do things in his job description.

He said: “When you’re an administrator, people think they can hassle you with any old shit to do with admin.

“Yesterday my boss Emma told me to order some Post-It notes, so I said ‘D’you want me to wipe your arse while I’m at it, mein Fuhrer?’ I think that did the trick because she looked really confused.

“Then someone rang up asking if we did pizza leaflets when I was at a particularly important plot juncture in my latest work of fan fiction, Picard’s Dilemma.”

Logan said he would not rule out legal action against his employers if tasks such as answering his phone and filing invoices continued to mar his texting and sandwich-eating.

Office manager Emma Bradford said: “Maybe the miserable bastard would be better suited to working as a coach driver for school trips, or for the customer service department of any major internet provider.”

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Bond producers struggling with Twiglets product placement

THE makers of new Bond film Spectre are struggling to incorporate Twiglets into the narrative.

Director Sam Mendes said: “It’s a nightmare but the Twiglets people ponied up a ton of cash.

“So now when Bond orders a Martini he has to add ‘and some Twiglets please’.

“We’ve got a contract stipulating X amount of Twiglets screen time, which means Blofeld has to offer Bond a bowl of the savoury snack every time they meet.

“Of course Bond accepts, because for the purposes of the story he loves Twiglets, so they sit there munching away for a bit which really deflates the tension.

“This is almost as bad as trying to convince the audience that a sophisticated international spy would drink Heineken.”