Men desperate to appear knowledgeable about boxing

MILLIONS of men are making unconvincing attempts to show off their boxing knowledge.

Thinks Rocky was a real person

The resurgence in the testosterone-packed sport, coupled with fitness classes where desk workers hit a bag until they feel a bit tired, has led men to try to capitalise on their limited grasp of boxing history and technique.

Sales administrator Julian Cook said: “I’ve been into boxing since it was Mike Tyson and the other people who Mike Tyson used to fight.

“He was really good at right hooks and other types of punching. Overall he was just a classic puncher.”

Booker described a recent boxing knowledge clash at a party after a female colleague said British heavyweight Anthony Joshua was attractive.

“This other guy stepped in to say he’d seen Joshua’s fight against Michael Sprott.

“I threw a couple of Muhammad Ali quotes at him and then hit him with the ‘Sugar Ray fighting the German guy during the war’ story.

“But then he blocked my Sugar Ray Robinson story and landed with ‘It was actually Joe Lewis who fought the German guy’.

“With round one over we retired to opposite corners of the room to look up more boxing facts on our phones.”

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Warmest year on record except in hearts

BRITAIN has enjoyed the warmest year for two-and-half centuries except in its inhabitants cold, hateful hearts.

Basically like John Carpenter’s The Thing

Global warming has increased the average temperature across the country, with Scotland snow-free and Buddleia blooming in Devon, but can do nothing about the infinite frozen tundra of our souls.

Helen Archer of Mansfield said: “It is very unseasonable weather, which is a shame because the only thing that gives me a warm glow is scroungers on benefits suffering in the cold.

“Without the thought of them, electricity cut off, door kicked off its hinges by a bailiff, huddled together under a blanket shivering, Christmas won’t be Christmas.”

Bus driver Norman Steele agreed: “This warm weather’s probably what’s brought all these asylum seekers over from Iran or Sri Lanka or wherever else runs a despotic regime that commits atrocities against its own citizens.

“Well, I got bullied at school and you didn’t find me running off to another country. They want to go back there and take their medicine.”

Dr Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “A surfeit of carbon molecules are causing the earth’s temperature to rise, while a surfeit of envy, hatred, and jealousy are causing an empathy freeze deep inside ourselves.

“Both processes are irreversible and will lead to the extinction of humanity. Which, speaking for all those other bastards, is exactly what they deserve.”