THE UK towns with the best ‘quality of life’ all sound like stuck-up smugholes with a ‘green’ and an expensive butcher, Britain has agreed.
The towns, which all have names like Upper Chubbington and Chufty-on-the-Wold, were rated as brilliant by people who find themselves aroused by a vicar cycling past a cricket match.
Helen Archer, from Manchester, said: “Ooh, apparently this one has ‘a family-owned ironmongers that’s been in the same building for 108 years’.
“That’s exactly the shit I look for, as opposed to a decent burrito place or broadband that actually fucking works.
“I bet they all have a residents’ association fervently campaigning against mobile masts because they might block the view of a swan landing on a pond.
“Yes, a big Tesco doesn’t look good on a postcard, but on the other hand you can’t get four pints of milk at 11pm from a church that was mentioned in the Domesday Book.”
Archer added: “God, imagine the passive-aggressive notes you’d get on your windscreen if you were a day late mowing your lawn. I wouldn’t live there if you paid me.”