Towns with best 'quality of life' all sound shit

THE UK towns with the best ‘quality of life’ all sound like stuck-up smugholes with a ‘green’ and an expensive butcher, Britain has agreed.

The towns, which all have names like Upper Chubbington and Chufty-on-the-Wold, were rated as brilliant by people who find themselves aroused by a vicar cycling past a cricket match.

Helen Archer, from Manchester, said: “Ooh, apparently this one has ‘a family-owned ironmongers that’s been in the same building for 108 years’.

“That’s exactly the shit I look for, as opposed to a decent burrito place or broadband that actually fucking works.

“I bet they all have a residents’ association fervently campaigning against mobile masts because they might block the view of a swan landing on a pond.

“Yes, a big Tesco doesn’t look good on a postcard, but on the other hand you can’t get four pints of milk at 11pm from a church that was mentioned in the Domesday Book.”

Archer added: “God, imagine the passive-aggressive notes you’d get on your windscreen if you were a day late mowing your lawn. I wouldn’t live there if you paid me.”

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President of United States wildly applauded for getting through whole speech without massive f**k up

THE President of the United States has managed to get through an entire speech without saying anything explicitly dangerous or obviously insane. 

Donald Trump successfully managed to read words off a screen for almost an hour without straying off topic, bragging about the size of his inaguration and/or penis, or lapsing into incoherence. 

Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee said: “A full hour? God bless America.

“I naturally assumed we’d be getting the usual 10 scripted minutes followed by extemporised remarks on Schwarzengger’s Apprentice ratings, the rugged handsomeness of Putin, how incredibly smart he is and an imaginary terrorist attack on Limerick. 

“Instead he read his whole speech out like a good boy, rewarded by regular applause. I haven’t been this proud since my grandson stopped shitting in the bath.

“What an incredible president. Really puts the last one to shame.”