Dog can’t wait for owners to come home and see what he’s done with the place

A PET dog cannot wait for his owners to come back so they can see how he has remodelled the house. 

Two-year-old mongrel Ronnie decided to spend the day throwing a few things around, destroying some other things and hiding to wait for the gleeful reaction.

He said: “Why today? I dunno. I guess I just felt in that creative mood.

“I started with the skirting boards; I thought ‘you know, I’m bored of seeing those things and I bet everyone else is, so why don’t I just chew ‘em up and rip ‘em out.’

“Then I went crazy with the cushions, I mean really crazy, ripping them to shreds and throwing them everywhere and yes, the feathers made me vomit but you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.

“After that I dug up the carpet, pissed in the kitchen and lay down for a little bit of a rest. They are gonna be so thrilled when they see this. They’ll be saying ‘good boy’ for months.

“Unless I’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Manchester United forgot to take EFL trophy home

MANCHESTER United’s players have realised they forgot to take the EFL trophy home from Wembley, even though it is so important to them.

Jubilation soon turned to mild embarrassment as United were forced to call lost property offices across the capital in the hope of finding England’s third most important club trophy.

Jose Mourinho said: “I remember lifting it and then passing it on to someone else, and after that I pretty much forgot all about it. I presumed one of the lads had put it in their bag.

“Still nobody will ever forget that moment of slight pleasure at the final whistle, that was the kind of thing you tell your grandchildren about.”

Midfielder Paul Pogba said: “I honestly thought we’d won the FA Cup, but then they handed us this thing that looked like it’d come out of a Kinder egg.”