Sex education to be compulsory for people who are particularly bad at sex

THE government is to make sex education compulsory for all UK citizens who are terrible at sex, it has confirmed. 

Letters will be sent out to millions over the next two months ordering them to attend sex education classes or face fines of up to £80.

Home secretary Amber Rudd said: “We are a leading world economy, but sadly Britons remain lamentably ill-equipped in the bedroom.

“Anyone with a score of 2.4 or less in the National Sex Database will be required to attend a course covering everything from basic hygiene to a few simple techniques for satisfying sexual partners.

“Following which a multiple-choice theory test with a passing score of 80 per cent will certify attendees as proficient lovers and issue them with badges.

“Either get better at it or stop. It’s the law.”

Eleanor Shaw, from Wrexham, said: “Oh dear. My husband is not going to be happy. It’s his speed awareness course all over again.”

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May gives up eating live mice for Lent

PRIME minster Theresa May is observing Lent by giving up her daily snack of six live mice.

Downing Street said that, as the daughter of a clergyman and a devout Christian, Mrs May takes Lent very seriously and that abstaining from live mice for 40 days is ‘an act of spiritual devotion’.

A spokesman added: “Live mice are the prime minister’s favourite indulgence. She doesn’t eat them because she has to or because they are nutritious, it just makes her very happy.

“She celebrated Shrove Tuesday by eating 24 live mice in half an hour.”

An RSPCA spokesman added: “It would be nice to have a Conservative prime minister who did not do unspeakable things to animals.”