Tradesmen's earnings 'only untaxed until they get to the pub'

BUILDERS’ cash-in-hand earnings only remain outside the tax system until they arrive at a place that sells beer, it has been claimed.

Plasterer Tom Logan said: “Whatever cash I might earn is going back into the system within half an hour, even less if we pass a boozer on the way home.

“I understand the tax on a pint of beer is something like 38%. Also crisps, pub pool tables and Status Quo songs on the jukebox are tax magnets, I’d imagine.”

Beer raises over £21 billion in taxes annually, most of it from men in overalls who are ‘winding down’ after a hard day’s tea-drinking.

Builder Stephen Malley said: “It’s not like we’re spending this money on cocktails in St Lucia like some non-domicile corporate fat cats.

“I’d like to think our beer duty is going back into the NHS, and will one day help to replace my swollen liver.”

He added: “I even urinate in customers’ sinks when they are out, just to save on the water usage associated with flushing toilets.”



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Daley Thompson denies responsibility for broken joysticks

SPORTING legend Daley Thompson has rejected claims that he is personally responsible for millions of pounds-worth of broken 1980s computer hardware.

Daley Thompson’s Decathlon was one of the ’80s most popular computer games. But its reliance on a frantic waggling motion to operate Daley’s character allegedly destroyed thousands of joysticks and left players with permanently damaged wrists.

The former decathlete was confronted by an angry former Spectrum owner during an Olympics press conference where he had been hating on Steve Redgrave.

Before being dragged off by security, Roy Hobbs said: “You cost me the best joystick I ever had! How could you possibly devise a game based entirely on repetitive lateral movements?

“You owe me £13.99 for an new Quickshot II Autofire, you sporty shit!”

Thompson said: “Firstly, I didn’t write the game, I just endorsed it. The rest was done by nerds.

“Secondly, you shouldn’t have played it so much. If your joystick did break maybe it was an indication that maybe it was time to go outside.”

Technology historian Nikki Hollis said: “I think Daley is, at the very least, guilty of double standards. His Decathlon gave a very mixed message that both sport and computer games were good, when we all know they aren’t compatible.

“My brother played Decathlon on his ZX Spectrum, using its rubber keys. He got so frantic on the 100 metres that they melted onto his hands, leaving him without fingerprints.

“This meant that legally he did not have an identity. So he was unable to be a part of society and became a drug addict.”