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Trains turn their heating on

AS the mercury shoots up to record temperatures, trains have decided to set their heating to maximum.

Having wisely conserved energy by not keeping their carriages warm during the winter months, train companies have decided to treat passengers to nice, toasty journeys during the bank holiday heatwave.

Rail manager Martin Bishop laughed: “All our trains will be overcrowded and running late this weekend. So the warm, dusty air blasting out of the heating grilles is our way of making up for these inconveniences.

“The refreshments trolley won’t be running either due to a lack of staff, but that just adds to the effect we’re going for. That’s also why the windows on older trains will be locked shut until November. We wouldn’t want you to catch your death as we idle for no reason under the glaring sun.

“If for some reason you need to cool down, try peering into the first class carriage. You’ll see people beating the heat with the complimentary fans we hand out to our better-off passengers. That should do the trick.”

Regular rail user Nikki Hollis said: “This is peak bank holiday vibes. The only way it could be better is if the toilets are out of order and someone plays shit music without their headphones in.”

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Reform or Restore? A guide to the choice Britain's worst arseholes are making

IN the constituency of Makerfield, knobheads face an agonising dilemma: Nigel Farage’s Reform or Rupert Lowe’s Restore Britain? We help them decide:

Issues

Both parties have made the wise decision to discard trivial issues like education, the economy, and employment in favour of a relentless focus on immigration. But while chickenshit Reform only wants to freeze non-essential immigration, Restore demands net-negative immigration, ie. sending them back. Which does your heart truly desire?

Image

Cloth-cap wearing Farage looks like an angry gamekeeper threatening to shoot children for trespassing, which makes him an immensely sympathetic figure any Briton will automatically identify with. But Lowe’s pinched, reddened features make him resemble a local squire who kills a man drink-driving and gets off on a technicality. A tough choice.

Personality

We all know Nigel, the beer-drinking smoking thin-skinned man of the people who starts shouting ‘Boring!’ if he doesn’t like the topic of conversation. But Rupert? The chairman who took Southampton into administration who’d dismiss you from 20 years employment without notice if he walked past and deemed you to be ‘lounging’? Also attractive.

Being an outsider

Both men are mavericks and political outsiders as only wealthy, privately-educated white men with long careers in the City of London can be. But while Farage is now so much a part of the establishment it seems odd when he’s not on Question Time, Rupert is such a rebel he kicked himself out of Reform to found his own party where he is king. Sexy.

Bigotedness of local candidate

You’re not voting for the leader. You’re voting for either Reform’s plumber Robert Kenyon, because everyone finds plumbers trustworthy and reliable and unlikely to double the price without warning, or Restore’s Rebecca Shepherd who is a woman and backed by Dragons’s Den heartthrob Duncan Bannatyne. On second thoughts, vote for the leader.

Verdict

Open bigotry, promising to reverse time to an imagined AI 1950s, a track record of broken promises; how can you choose? But in your deepest soul, you know Reform have been outclassed. Now you just have to remember which is which in the voting booth. If only their names weren’t so similar, and you not much of a reader!

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