THE government has confirmed that Britain is a waste of time and the country will be turned into one gigantic coffee shop.
As Costa outlets already cover 79 percent of the entire UK landmass, ministers have agreed that any parts that do not already serve massive buckets of coffee must be converted by the end of the year.
Environment secretary Andrea Ledsom said: “We’re going to scrap the whole Brexit thing and just have a ‘soft’ rebrand instead.
“But it will basically be the same as Brexit as we will be rejecting European values such as drinking coffee that actually tastes of coffee and isn’t full of hazelnut syrup.”
The plans include scrapping democracy because Costa must be obeyed without question and replacing Britain’s constitution with a menu for paninis.
Ledsom added: “It won’t apply to whole of the UK. Scotland will be turned into a massive Greggs.”