UK to be rebranded as massive branch of Costa

THE government has confirmed that Britain is a waste of time and the country will be turned into one gigantic coffee shop.

As Costa outlets already cover 79 percent of the entire UK landmass, ministers have agreed that any parts that do not already serve massive buckets of coffee must be converted by the end of the year.

Environment secretary Andrea Ledsom said: “We’re going to scrap the whole Brexit thing and just have a ‘soft’ rebrand instead.

“But it will basically be the same as Brexit as we will be rejecting European values such as drinking coffee that actually tastes of coffee and isn’t full of hazelnut syrup.”

The plans include scrapping democracy because Costa must be obeyed without question and replacing Britain’s constitution with a menu for paninis.

Ledsom added: “It won’t apply to whole of the UK. Scotland will be turned into a massive Greggs.”

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May admits she got ‘strong and stable’ from leaflet about erectile dysfunction

THERESA May has been forced to admit her ‘strong and stable’ catchphrase was lifted from an NHS leaflet about erectile dysfunction.

Sources close to the prime minister said that while she ‘stood by’ the phrase, it was ‘borrowed’ from a leaflet that she found next to the Cabinet table in Number 10.

A source said: “It was between the seat where David Davis sits and the seat where Jeremy Hunt sits. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there.

“The prime minster picked it up and was immediately drawn to the phrase. She became obsessed with it. She came into the office, told everyone ‘to shut the hell up’ and then started reading the leaflet out loud.

“When she got to the bit about ‘strong and stable’ she slowed right down and then repeated it nine times. At that point Jeremy Hunt started to cry and ran out of the room.”

The source added: “She was also very surprised to discover the existence of vacuum pumps, so that may become a campaign theme.”