Woman who just created whole new human couldn’t give a shit about her weight

A WOMAN is too busy marvelling at her ability to create actual human beings to worry about restoring ‘pre-baby body’, she has confirmed.

Eleanor Shaw, 31, is so stunned at her capabilities that she cannot even begin to engage with magazines or websites that talk about getting rid of her ‘post-baby belly’.

Shaw said: “Are they fucking kidding? I just pushed a human out of a hole that was patently far too small for it to fit through.

“And now I’m going to feed it with milk that I have also somehow magically produced and it’s going to grow into a real human with its own personality and maybe produce further human beings.

“I’m basically a god and some stupid magazine wants me to feel anxious about being a bit fatter than I was before? Off. You. Fuck.”

She added: “Did you know you can get really big bags of Hula Hoops? What a world.”

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Tonight the perfect night to do E, confirm doctors

DOCTORS have recommended dropping ecstasy this evening to leave yourself plenty of time for a leisurely recovery.

Dr Mary Fisher said: “More than 28,000 workdays are lost every year to MDMA recovery, which takes a £3 billion bite out of the UK economy.

“If you’re an ecstasy user – and let’s face it, we all like one every now and again – then the responsible time to drop is this evening, writing off tomorrow and giving yourself Sunday and Monday to replenish your serotonin.

“I know it’s tempting to make tonight a boozy one and wait until Saturday to get mashed off your tits, but when you’re in a bad mood on Tuesday it’s your co-workers who’ll pay the price.”

She added: “Cocaine, of course, is fine for a Saturday night. It hardly does anything anyway.”