Original velociraptors to return for Jurassic World 2

THE velociraptors who starred in Jurassic Park will join the cast of the upcoming Jurassic World sequel, they have confirmed.

The original velociraptors were breakout stars of the 1993 film, lauded by critics for their their menacing cool, but struggled to establish themselves in Hollywood subsequently.

Velociraptor Nikki Hollis said: “None of us were really prepared for the success of the first film. Looking back, we trusted the wrong people, and got sucked into the LA party lifestyle.

“I didn’t want to be typecast so I turned down the sequel to do a romcom with Matthew Perry, which bombed, and briefly dated Hugh Grant which the tabloids loved but which did my career no favours at all.

“Since then, I’ve been getting by on adverts and the occasional touring musical. I stayed in touch with the other guys but we were often auditioning for the same roles, typically an intelligent but ruthless dinosaur.”

Producer Frank Marshall said: “I just hope they can stay off the coke. At least while we’re shooting.”

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Britain begs for even earlier election

THE public has urged the prime minister to call an even earlier election, like next Tuesday, so this bullshit can end. 

The nation has united in agreement that June 8th is nowhere near soon enough and they are ready to cast their votes next week, however catastrophic the result.

Labour supporter Eleanor Shaw said: “The government I despise will be given the legitimacy of a huge majority, the party I love will be destroyed perhaps forever, and I still say bring it on.

“I can’t bear the headlines. I can’t bear the thinkpieces. I can’t bear my own hectoring posts on social media which will not change the mind of one single person.

“End the misery. The outcome is pre-ordained. Kill me now.”

Plumber Tom Logan agreed: “Theresa, don’t force us to go through the motions until we’re repeating ‘strong and chaos and coalition and stable’ robotically along with you.

“Call a really snap election. The next ten minutes is fine. The next 30 seconds wouldn’t be too soon.

“Say we’ve already had it and you’ve won if you want. We promise we won’t argue.”