UK to get referendum on opening Pandora’s box

BRITONS are expected to vote in favour of opening a box containing unspeakable evil.

Pandora’s box, previously thought to be mythical, was recently found in the vaults of the British Museum along with a note saying ‘For fuck’s sake, do not open this!’ in ancient Greek.

Uncertainty about whether to open the box has led the government to leave the decision to the public, after brief ‘Yes’ and ‘No’ campaigns.

Sales manager Donna Sheridan said: “The so-called experts say the box is full of evil, but in my experience boxes are usually full of chocolates or shoes.

“I say open it, because these ‘experts’ are probably just after lucrative research grants like they got for making up global warming and polar bears.”

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “Apparently we shouldn’t open the box because it contains war, famine and pestilence. If you ask me, it’s just the health-and-safety brigade trying to wrap us up in cotton wool as usual.

“The fact is, you don’t know if you like something till you try it. I didn’t think I’d like golf, but now I play every weekend. It’s probably the same with pestilence, whatever that is.”

A government spokesman said Pandora’s Box would be opened by David Cameron during an extended edition of The National Lottery Live featuring The Saturdays.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you come across Richard Dawkins in a computer room, repeatedly playing the advert where the kid asked ‘Daddy or chips?’.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
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Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
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Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
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Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
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It’s a sign of your growing maturity as you approach middle age that your workplace nickname has stopped referring to your tits and started referring to your droopy arse. Progress, of a kind.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
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Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The only thing that can stop the chaos in Gaza is your drunken opinion on the situation and the platform for the world to hear it is over a pissed Sunday lunch. Now write your name into history.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
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Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
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Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
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