GLASGOW’S Commonwealth Games officials have confirmed that Usain Bolt is a dead man walking.
Following claims Bolt described the games as “a bit shit”, organisers said the athlete was fucked unless he could run across the sea.
A games spokesman said: “He’s proving difficult to catch but sooner or later he’ll have to show up at an airport.
“At which point Mr Bolt will be invited into the back of a van and taken to a flat-roofed pub on a big estate.
“There he will be given an opportunity to share his thoughts on the games, and Scotland in general, with our specially-appointed feedback committee of Stewie, Big Barry and Fuckface.
“They are always interested to meet cocky, loud-mouthed visitors in tight shorts.”