Gherkins outside London available for £150,000

THE £640m asking price of London’s Gherkin building is far more than Gherkins are fetching outside the capital.

Prices range from £65m for the Gherkin in the centre of Manchester to only £152,395 for the Gherkin in Doncaster, which locals cheekily call “the Spearhead Dildo”.

Estate agent Eleanor Shaw said: “Why people insist on paying London’s over-inflated prices when there’s a perfectly good Gherkin in King’s Lynn I’ll never know.

“It’s not as if eye-catching 41-storey office buildings with 48,000 square metres of office space are thin on the ground. Every city in the UK’s got one.

“But unless it’s got a fancy London address nobody’s interested and they end up, like Aberystwyth’s Gherkin, abandoned skeletal ruins occupied only by seabirds.”

Planning minister Brandon Lewis admitted: “The 105 Gherkins in the UK are, in truth, a few Gherkins too many.

“The Gherkin in the Devon village of Appledore has enough office space for every living thing in a 40-mile radius. And Hull doesn’t need six.”

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Blue cheese survives another picnic

A WEDGE of Stilton has returned fully intact from its fifth picnic of the summer.

The cheese, noted for its fetid stench and prominent blue veins, somehow avoided being eaten despite being placed on full view and frequently discussed.

It said: “They definitely knew I was there. Everyone’s always remarking on the touch of class I add to the picnics.

“But somehow they always reach straight over me for the Scotch eggs or the tortilla chips or the quiche leaving me to fight another day.

“I don’t know what’s saving me. It can’t be my thick back-of-the-cupboard grey rind, or the mould I’m shot through with, or my odour of sweaty decay because they’re my best features.”

The cheese has so far visited two outdoor Shakespeare performances, one Katherine Jenkins concert, a National Trust property and Brighton beach.

It will end its summer at the Reading Festival, where it will be thrown at the head of Macklemore.