UKIP defends freedom by reporting everyone to the police

UKIP has launched a passionate defence of traditional Anglo-Saxon freedoms by reporting everyone in Britain to the police.

The party said policemen were experts in civil liberties and would be very good at explaining the concept of freedom to you under caution and in the comfort of your own living room.

A party spokesman said: “All you have to do is sit there, nodding quietly, while trying not to urinate in your underpants.”

The party pledged to report everyone in Britain to the police by the end of the year, but would prioritise horrid people who said nasty things about UKIP as they were most in need of freedom lessons.

The spokesman added: “If lots of people vote for us then eventually some of the police visits could result in arrests, summary trials and, one day, perhaps even some camps.

“As Churchill once said, ‘arbeit macht frei’.”


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Gay computer is old people's worst fear

A COMPUTER that talks in an effeminate male voice is the biggest fear of the over-70s.

The Institute for Studies found that old people who previously spent their ample spare time worrying about homosexuals and technology were now anxious about an amalgam of the two.

83-year-old Tom Booker said: “I’ve heard about these Apple Gaypads that talk in a Frankie Howerd sort of voice and say rubbish like ‘Ooh you just turned me on’ and ‘Plug it into my rear socket, go on’.

“They’ll have them in schools and turn all the little kiddies queer.”

Pensioner Susan Traherne said: “If gays moved in next door they’d probably have raucous parties with men rubbing oil on each other, but at least I could nail the bedroom windows shut.

“However the laptop my son got me could use gay internet sites to invite them all into my home, unlocking the doors with its computer powers so they can come in and bugger it.”