Ulster riots still far too enjoyable

SECTARIAN rioting in Northern Ireland is still far too much fun for all concerned, it was claimed last night.

Experts said there would be no end to the violent clashes without new measures that will take the enjoyment out of throwing petrol bombs at a stranger.

Julian Cook, professor of riot management at Roehampton University, said: “Perhaps we need to develop a new type of petrol that is particularly explosive so that it would be impossible to light a petrol bomb without it taking your head off.

“I believe they did try something similar in the 1980s but it only took off hands and arms and so you just wound up with someone in a balaclava laughing hysterically at their own bloody stump.

“Also, when the riot starts maybe the police should just go on holiday as only the most determined rioters will keep throwing lumps of breeze block at a wall.

“But of course the police will only go on holiday if it includes at least two days of firing tear gas at people. Perhaps we could send them all to Greece for a fortnight?”

He added: “I still favour a huge fleet of blimps blasting out Coldplay and Chris de Burgh until only the deaf remain outdoors.”

There is now growing pressure on the Northern Ireland Assembly to make sectarian violence seem less like a hair-raising ride at the Walt Disney World of Hatred.

But in a historic joint statement, Sinn Fein and the DUP said: “Why on earth would we do that?”


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Sharapova grunt awarded world heritage status

THE grunting of Maria Sharapova is to be protected under the United Nations world heritage programme.

The move means Sharapova’s passionate yelps will be excluded from a threatened Wimbledon grunting crackdown.

The UN acted after a deluge of panicked emails from lonely men who stressed the lithe, blonde Russian’s intense barking constituted their entire sex life.

A UN spokesman said: “You can’t compare a Sharapova grunt to that of some six foot-wide Bulgarian hermaphrodite. That’s like comparing Machu Pichu to a shopping centre in Coventry.”

Roy Hobbs, a single man from Hatfield, said: “I have a full-sized cardboard cut-out.

“Before a match I close the curtains, light some candles and pour some Pinot Grigio. Maria is impressed with my knowledge of films and then gives me a ‘come hither’ look. And that’s when I switch on the telly.

“We then become one for up to 90 minutes of extremely heavy grunting.”

He added: “I hate these early rounds because it tends to be emphatic, straight sets victories that last about half an hour. It makes me feel as if I can’t satisfy her.”

But a Wimbledon spokesman insisted: “While we have to respect the United Nations we also have to think about Cliff Richard.

“Do we really want him to go to his grave with the grunts of something that looks like a Serbian bodyguard ringing in his gentle ears?”

But he added: “I know what you mean about Sharapova, though. I reckon she’s got something up there.

“I believe they are called ‘love eggs’.”