THE unemployed are to be relocated to a magical land full of talking
animals and cute, furry
jobs, the government has confirmed.
Welfare secretary Ian Duncan Smith has opened a rabbit hole portal to the realm of Bilbon where delightful, waistcoat-wearing mammals form lifelong friendships with wise old trees.
In echoes of a speech given in the 1980s by his dad, Mr Duncan Smith said that jobseekers who were not prepared to leave this dimension were being ‘unrealistic’.
He added: “The people of Bilbon are crying out for hard-working humans to perform any number of well-paid whimsical fairytale tasks, such as working in the floating castle where dreams are made, or picking and processing the cartoon fruit that run around on little human legs getting up to all sorts of hi-jinks.
“It is the diametric opposite of Sheffield.”
Jobseekers who refuse to relocate to Bilbon will have their benefits
stopped until they are forced to squat in the dreary council house they
have been defiling for the last 20 years.
Unemployed man Tom Logan said: “I’ve been out of work for so long I’ve started referring to certain episodes of Murder She Wrote as ‘classics’. Plus I keep catching hepatitis from the touch-screen monitor in the job centre. Sorry, ‘Job Centre Plus’.
“Anyway, I’m ready to try the annoying-sounding fairy place. I don’t relish the prospect but on the other hand I’ve always quite fancied the Caramel rabbit. I reckon she’d be very bendy.”
However Bilbon pensioner and pipe-smoking badger Bill McKay, said: “Despite being a talking animal with half moon spectacles perched on the end of my nose, I have unremittingly strident views on immigration and you’ll find that many of my fantastical friends feel the same.
“Bilbon is only a magical land of joy and wonder because we’ve managed to keep all them fuckin’ gypos out.”