Warsi released from box again

DAVID Cameron has let Baroness Warsi out of her box again.

Warsi was released from the box, which is kept under the floorboards in the prime minister’s private study, yesterday evening so she would have enough room to write an article for the Daily Telegraph without constantly banging her elbows.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “We had heard muffled shouting all afternoon. It was getting really distracting so eventually we lifted the floorboards, opened the box and she popped her head up screaming ‘I’ve got an idea! I’ve got an idea!’.

“She then explained how Britain should relaunch the Spanish Inquisition only it should change the name of it to the ‘British Inquisition’ because that would be a sign of ‘confidence’.

“Then all the Christians should go around getting all up in people’s faces and demanding money for believing in Jesus in the same way that all those weird, angry scientists go around demanding money for believing in gravity.

“Then she said the government should never have banned Christmas.

“We all stared at her for about 30 seconds until the prime minister nodded and said ‘yeah, let her out’.”

Warsi is now on her way to Rome where she will have talks with the Pope until he pretends to have gastro-enteritis.

The Downing Street spokesman added: “We should have her back in the box by tomorrow lunchtime. But if she gets lost and you find her, just keep her warm, give her a Hobnob and then phone the fire brigade.”

 

 

The Daily Mash in your inbox
privacy

Sun to be produced in prison for prison

BRITAIN’S biggest newspaper is switching its production and target audience to Britain’s prisons.

A team of jailed journalists, writing and publishing the newspaper from their cells, will market the Sun to those serving sentences for theft, assault and sex crimes, requiring a minimal shift in its editorial policy.

A spokesman said: “The Sun has always catered to an audience obsessed with violence and masturbation.

“Who else could possibly want photos of the TOWIE girls out on the town apart from some banged-up nutter who hasn’t seen a woman in years?

“Who needs to read detailed reports of football matches except people who can’t watch Match of the Day?

“And why would any newspaper print pictures of topless women if it wasn’t for an audience so desperate for sexual gratification they’ll tear it out and stick it to their cell wall with their own dick paste?”

He added: “And, of course, now we can pinpoint the exact location of paedophiles, rather than the usual guesswork.”

A handful of changes to the newspaper are expected. Captain Crunch will be replaced by Captain Sodomy and the name of White Van Man will be changed to Heavily Tattooed White Supremacist.

Meanwhile, experts stressed that if Sun editor Dominic Mohan wanted to defend press freedom he should print photos of all the arrested journalists on the front page beneath a massive headline that just says, ‘GUILTY’.

Media lawyer Julian Cook said: “It would prejudice any future trial so completely that the case would collapse, but Mohan would go to jail for contempt. I keenly await his act of courage.”