Rangers pledges sectarianism as usual

MURDEROUS chant enabler Rangers last night pledged financial meltdown will not interfere with all the hating.

Going into administration could cost the Glasgow giants 10 points in the Scottish ‘Premier’ League, putting them within 25 points of everyone apart from Celtic, but the club urged fans to remain positive and continue thinking up new rhymes for ‘Ratzinger’.

A spokesman said: “As long as there’s a Rangers, there will always be one half of Glasgow wishing the other half dead. Everyone should carry on with their sectarian grudges and post-match domestic abuse as normal.”

The club faces a potentially fatal £49m tax bill while season ticket sales have dropped since a ban on singing songs about being ‘up to one’s knees in Fenian blood’.

Now Rangers officials are to meet with UK Jihad ‘tsar’ Abu Qatada to discuss new ways of making religious hatred more revenue dynamic.

Ideas include blackmailing priests, Fuck the Pope Bingo and an iPhone app that can identify Catholics by measuring the width of their skulls.

Meanwhile, Celtic fans have set up a Rangers rescue fund after realising that without their Old Firm rivals their lives would be utterly hollow. Celtic fan Bill McKay said: “You’ve seen the football. No-one is coming here for the football.”

The Rangers spokesman added: “It would be very easy to play the blame game, but the unavoidable truth is that the inland revenue is now a wholly-owned subsidiary of Opus Dei.”

The club also pledged to continue buying carpet-baggers who couldn’t hack it in a proper league and getting its arse handed to it in Europe by teams with names like Vlodzy Kravnaj.



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Men discover florist that also sells fuel

HUSBANDS and boyfriends have been flocking to charming little flower shops that also have petrol.

After spending days searching tirelessly for a gift that speaks of the poetry in their hearts, millions of men have happened upon quaint flower/fuel shops like BP, which stands for Beautiful Posies.

Husband Tom Logan said: “I was blown away by the quality of bouquets on display. It was like being in a garden, a garden made of love.

“There were flowers of so many colours. Red, blue, yellow.

“Actually, no, they’d sold out of blue ones. Apparently it was a bit late in the day.”

He added: “I think what drew me to the place was the tarmac. It’s a quirky design touch that puts you in a romantic frame of mind.”

Boyfriend Stephen Malley said: “It’s funny, because I spent a whole day driving around looking for the perfect bouquet. But in doing so, I used up all my petrol.

“You can imagine my delight and surprise on discovering that the fuel vendor also happened to sell the most exquisite floral offerings.

“It’s one of those weird romantic coincidences, like you might get in a 50s French film.”