West Coast Mainline Designated National Metaphor

BRITAIN'S piece of shit of west coast railway line has been designated as the country's latest national metaphor.

Officials say the pathetically bad multi-billion pound engineering project can now be used to sum up early 21st century Britain as a place where everything is expensive but nothing actually works.

The West Coast mainline becomes Britain's 27th national metaphor since the end of the Second World War and the first since Tim Henman tried really hard but was obviously just not good enough in 2004.

Julian Cook, director of the Office of National Metaphors, said: "It's the perfect combination of gigantic amounts of public money and the gnawing inevitability of failure and disappointment.

"It's probably the best one since the M25 was completed and became this huge, grey, hell on earth, filled with angry, depressed people unable to find a way out.

"The West Coast mainline even has the chance of a second designation at some point in the future as they will no doubt get it working properly only to start fucking about with it again for no reason."

A blue plaque will be erected at Euston Station in London to commemorate the designation with the quote 'Britain and the West Coast Main Line – expensive, badly designed and not as good as France'.

Mr Cook added: "Of course we're all just building up to the 2012 Olympics which I suspect will make all previous national metaphors seem devastatingly obsolete."

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MI5 Chief Incredibly Bald

A SERVING head of MI5 has appeared before the press for the first time and he is incredibly bald.

Career spy Jonathan Evans spoke to reporters at the security service's London HQ, though photographers were banned as the camera flashes would have bounced off the top of his head and temporarily blinded everyone in the room.

The cloak of secrecy surrounding the hairyness of the MI5 chief has been lifted in recent years, though Mr Evans is understood to be the baldest man ever to hold the top job.

Liberal Democrat leader Nick Clegg said: "While it's refreshing that the head of MI5 is finally able to speak publicly, I am concered that our internal security is in the hands of someone so devastatingly bald.

"Baldness is a state of mind. We live in a post-bald era that requires post-bald thinking."

He added: "If Mr Evans wants to stage further press conferences may I suggest he wears a fez?"

Evans gave key insights into current MI5 stragegy including the revelation that killing lots of Muslims might make them want to kill us.

He also said the global recession would increase the threat of terror because it sounds as if it sort of makes sense.