Israel To Open Humanitarian Corridor And Then Blow It Up

ISRAEL has agreed to open a corridor into Gaza for essential humanitarian supplies and then fire hundreds of missiles at it.

As the international community accused the Israelis of using a sledgehammer to crack a school, the Tel Aviv government pledged to increase both the level of aid to Palestinian civilians and attacks upon it.

A spokesman said: "We're happy to provide humanitarian supplies as long as you understand that anything going in or out of Gaza is a legitimate target. I'm afraid there's nothing we can do about that."

The Israeli airforce last night issued a map showing the route the aid convoys will take and the exact points where each truck will be blown to smithereens.

Meanwhile Hamas has pledged to commandeer any humanitarian supplies that make it through, fill them with semtex and fire them at settlements in southern Israel.

A Hamas spokesman said: "For every bag of rice you send us without blowing it up, we will send back thousands of pieces of exploding rice. How's about that?"

Meanwhile UN secretary general Ban Ki Moon said that while Hamas is undoubtedly a collection of grade-A psychopaths, firing home-made rockets is not quite the same thing as having a personalised bomb for every Palestinian man, woman and child.

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Estate agents now showing houses to other estate agents

BRITAIN’S estate agents are showing houses to each other to combat loneliness and prevent their traditional skills from dying out.

With the property market moribund, there is mounting concern that the ancient art of describing the different rooms inside a property while walking around it could become extinct.

Estate agent Tom Logan said: “This morning, I showed Bill McKay of Reeds Rains a charming property that’s undergone extensive renovation which although it’s at the upper end of his budget he won’t regret looking at. 

“He agreed the renovations are tasteful but wondered what he would do in a large room containing both a cooker and a refrigerator, and I explained it was a kitchen where he could not only store but prepare food.” 

McKay said: “Tom then directed me to a large cupboard under the stairs that not only contained a toilet but had storage room for cloaks and other outdoor garments.

“I admitted this was attractive and useful, but stressed I was a keen sleeper and wondered if any rooms had been put aside for that specific purpose. 

“I was delighted to find there were three, one of which contained a smaller, tiled room ideal for bodily ablutions and the expulsion of human waste. It really was a marvellous morning with someone who spoke my language.” 

Logan said: “I couldn’t agree more. And I’ll be phoning eight times a day until you agree to put in an offer.”