M&S Staff To Be Sacked By Dervla Kirwan

MARKS and Spencer is to use Irish actress Dervla Kirwan to sack more than 1200 workers.

Managers hope Kirwan's sexy but soothing voice will not only minimise the shock of redundancy but ensure the ex-workers continue to spend what little money they have in the company's stores.

Head office staff will be sacked in person by Kirwan, while shop floor workers will be dismissed seductively via webcam.

Senior staff can choose to be sacked by Kirwan as she pours thick Devonshire double cream over their head and then licks it off while whispering 'you're fired' in their ear.

Or they can watch Kirwan fashion the words 'you're fired' from a healthy dollop of spring onion mash before drizzling it with a red wine gravy and then sucking it off a spoon.

An M&S spokesman said: "It's very important that we retain the brand loyalty of the people we're discarding. Redundancy money is as good as any other money.

"If you've been trudging the cold streets all day looking for a job what you really need is a piping hot chicken and mushroom pie made with succulent free range corn-fed chicken breast, fresh, fragrant chanterelle mushrooms and a moist, buttery short crust pastry."

The spokesman added: "And, of course, when you're unemployed the last thing you need is to be confronted with the soul-destroying horror of an unpeeled carrot."

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One In Ten Young Adults Begging For A Kick In The Teeth

ONE in 10 young unemployed British adults is so dissatisfied with life that they are just begging to be kicked in the teeth, new research suggests.

A survey by the Prince's Trust found 30% of young people are less happy than they were as a child, mainly because they are now expected to pay for some of their own stuff.

Almost half said they were regularly stressed, usually at the thought of someone asking them to do something.

Meanwhile 62 percent are just little shits who would benefit enormously from being dropped into the middle of an African civil war.

Sociologist, Professor Tom Logan, said: "Being young and unemployed must be awful. Then again I offered my nephew twenty quid to wash my car and he cut my achilles tendon with a fruit knife."

Charles Undungwe, 16, from Zimbabwe, said: "Life here can be dissatisfying too, what with all the cholera and starvation, but you just pull your socks up and get on with it. Except we've eaten all the socks."

He added: "Despite my poverty I hope that one day I will be able to go to college, learn valuable skills, get a job and make money so that I can buy a plane ticket, fly to England and punch every single one of you squarely in the face."