MARKS and Spencer is to use Irish actress Dervla Kirwan to sack more than 1200 workers.
Managers hope Kirwan's sexy but soothing voice will not only minimise the shock of redundancy but ensure the ex-workers continue to spend what little money they have in the company's stores.
Head office staff will be sacked in person by Kirwan, while shop floor workers will be dismissed seductively via webcam.
Senior staff can choose to be sacked by Kirwan as she pours thick Devonshire double cream over their head and then licks it off while whispering 'you're fired' in their ear.
Or they can watch Kirwan fashion the words 'you're fired' from a healthy dollop of spring onion mash before drizzling it with a red wine gravy and then sucking it off a spoon.
An M&S spokesman said: "It's very important that we retain the brand loyalty of the people we're discarding. Redundancy money is as good as any other money.
"If you've been trudging the cold streets all day looking for a job what you really need is a piping hot chicken and mushroom pie made with succulent free range corn-fed chicken breast, fresh, fragrant chanterelle mushrooms and a moist, buttery short crust pastry."
The spokesman added: "And, of course, when you're unemployed the last thing you need is to be confronted with the soul-destroying horror of an unpeeled carrot."