What the hell is this 'prom' bullshit? asks everyone over 30

ANYONE aged 30 or over is having difficulty accepting that school leavers now get to go to a big prom, they have confirmed. 

With proms having become the norm for all 16 to 18-year-olds, older people have found themselves confused as to when this happened and whether they are glad or angry that they missed it.

Tom Booker, aged 43, said: “We didn’t have a prom. We had a school disco, and after I’d done the lambada with Kerry Pennington the geography teacher insisted on stepping in for the next dance, then he got off with her after.

“We were lucky to have that. At rural schools, after everyone had signed each other’s shirts, they just got shitfaced in a field.

“Now it’s all big dresses and limousines and losing your virginity with all the excessive ceremony of the Lord Mayor cutting a ribbon. Did I miss out, or was I lucky?”

18-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “It’s such a marvellous occasion, everybody dressed up together, a real rite of passage from childhood to becoming an adult.

“Then we make the least popular girl in the school prom queen and dump a bucket of pig’s blood on her head.”

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"Alexa, if I’m going to die, then what’s the point of doing anything?"

AMAZON’S smart speaker is not yet ready for life’s bigger questions, it has emerged.

Since its launch, Alexa, the ‘intelligent personal assistant’, has helped people to find out what the weather is like, to listen to instantly forgettable music and to buy lots and lots and lots of stuff.

However, consumers are now discovering the device falls short when it comes to matters of existential malaise.

Nathan Muir, from Stevenage, said: “About a week after I installed it, I asked why man can’t live in peace with his fellow man, but it quickly became clear that Alexa did not have a clue.

“A week later I was sitting at the kitchen table, looking at a flower in a vase, when I asked Alexa to define true happiness.

“After a long silence Alexa asked me if I wanted to order a smoothie maker.”

He added: “I assume Amazon is working on an existential update that will provide simple answers to immensely complex questions about the essential nature of being.

“Until then I’ll just stick to weather forecasts and ordering shoes I don’t need.”