White Guys To Be Taken Out For A Pint

WHITE guys are to be taken to the pub this weekend and told they are good at things too.

After a week in which white guy egos have sunk to a new low, friends have rallied round and agree it is time for a few pints, some cheering up and perhaps even a curry.

Roy Hobbs, a white guy accountant from Peterborough, said: "I'm sure they're very nice chaps and they're obviously very good at what they do, but do they have to win everything?

"I mean it's bad enough, but then there's that other thing, you know? The, err… 'special attribute'."

He added: "What sort of chance does that give us? At least before we would win things and run things, but it was okay because they always had, you know… 'it'.

"It was like their incredibly large and satisfying trump card."

But psychotherapist Dr Emma Bradford said: "Come on now, I'm sure you're good at lots of things. Let's think. Mmmmmm… I know, what about golf? That's a white guy thing. Oh, right.

"Hang on, I've got one – I bet you're really good at watching television. What else? Oh, I don't know… gardening?"

She added: "And don't worry about the 'special attribute'. Women are much more interested in sensitivity and a really good sense of humour rather than power and money and an enormous… oh my."

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America Buys All That Change Bullshit

BARACK Obama swept to victory last night as millions of Americans lapped up all that bullshit about change.

The Illinois senator made history as the first black American to become President and the 44th man to win the office with a lot of vague platitudes and an army of creepy spin doctors.

He told a crowd of 250,000 supporters in his home city of Chicago: “Remember, change is something that happens in the middle of the night when we’re all fast asleep and very often the next morning no-one can tell that anything has actually changed.

“I promised you change you can believe in, I did not promise you change you can actually see.”

He added: “You believe in Jesus don’t you? Right, but have you ever seen Jesus? Exactly. Just making sure we’re all on the same page.”

Mr Obama said he would bring about change by working closely with the vast and terrifying multi-national corporations that had funded his campaign and pledged to end the war in Iraq in order to create a much bigger war in Afghanistan.

“But instead of some middle-aged white guy doing it, it’ll be me and I’m half-Kenyan. D’you see?”

Bill McKay, a college student from Denver, said: “I can’t believe I now live in a country where an African American can be elected to the presidency after spending just $600 million on advertising.”

He added: “Give me a hug!”

Meanwhile, in the UK, thousands of people talked about staying up all night to watch the drama unfold, but then didn’t.

Martin Bishop, from Oxford, said: “I was going to follow the coverage and have the significance of every result explained to me by Lord Dimbleby but then, at the last minute, I decided to go to bed because I don’t care.”

Denys Hatton, from Guildford, added: “If your life is such that you’re placing all your hopes in a politician, then may I humbly suggest you get yourself a crate of superlager and a cardboard box and stop wasting everyone’s time.”