Whole generation missing out on chance to go on gap year and become pricks

A WHOLE generation of teenagers are being deprived of the chance to spend three months pissing about in Southeast Asia and then base their entire personalities on the experience. 

Experts are concerned that the pandemic is preventing thousands of nascent twats taking cheap party drugs and enjoying mundane tourist experiences they will bore other people with for the rest of their lives.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Without gap years, these idiots will have nothing to form their whole adult identities around.

“And without their naff shell necklaces and sacred Thai wrist tattoos that actually translate to say things like ‘dickwad’, how will the rest of society recognise them as bellends and know to avoid them?

“It’s yet another demonstration of how Covid-19 is robbing young people of opportunities, and their parents of the chance to get f**king rid of them.”

Recent A-level student Jack Browne said: “Not to worry. I can still be a massive prick at home.”




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Six things people in their mid-40s can't believe happened ages ago

ARE you in your mid-40s but still a funky 20-something in your head? Here are some things that will plunge you into an existential panic when you realise how long ago they happened.

Trainspotting came out

Hugely popular film that made everyone want to be a junkie – obviously the hip, skinny Ewan McGregor kind, not the f**ked-up guy hassling you for change type. It can’t have been that long ago, right? No, it was 1996. Jesus.

Smoking was banned in pubs

It seems like only yesterday that everyone could smoke in pubs and smelt like Dave Allen’s suit. Actually it’s been 13 years since you could nurse a pint without having to rip up a beermat to do something with your hands.

We had a government which was vaguely normal

Surely this lot can’t have been in power very long, because any self-respecting country would have got rid ages ago? No, they were elected in 2010 and will be sticking around until at least 2024. Bugger.

Bradley Wiggins won the Tour de France

Wiggo’s win seems recent, but was in fact all the way back in 2012. Mind you, seeing him now on the Giro D’Italia highlights show on Quest is as stark a reminder of the ravages of time as you can get.

Screamadelica was released

Even if you weren’t a Primal Scream fan, you’ll remember this omnipresent album. It was a while back, for sure, but not that long ago? No, it was more than three decades. What the hell have you done with your life?

The last time you sat down without making a satisfied ‘old man’ noise

You could also add: when you last got wasted and suffered only a brief, tiny hangover, and many other examples. The exact details and dates may vary, but it was a f**k of a long time ago.