'What's she been in?' man asks for the duration of whole f**king film

A MAN ruined a film by wondering where he had seen the female lead before for the entirety of its running time.

While clicking his fingers in frustration, Ryan Whittaker spoilt The Favourite for girlfriend Lauren Hewitt by asking what else had what’s-her-name who plays Queen Anne been in every five seconds.

Hewitt said: “I was about to tell Ryan the first time he asked, but he held up a finger as if remembering an incredibly ubiquitous celebrity was a solemn duty he had to perform on his own.

“I mean it’s Olivia Colman for f**k’s sake. She’s been in everything. You could take any show or film from the last 10 years and she’s probably in it somehow.”

“I had to put on a pair of headphones to drown out his incessant speculation and switched on the DVD subtitles so I could follow what was going on.

“After 40 minutes he had the nerve to make me pause it so he could have a wee. Even then I could still hear him upstairs saying ‘god, it’s on the tip of my tongue’.”

Whittaker said: “Of course! She was in Broadchurch with that Scottish bloke, wasn’t she? What was the name of that other show he was in? No, don’t tell me, I’ll remember it.”

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Priti Patel's guide to having people over

HELLO, it’s Priti Patel. When I’m not threatening asylum seekers and eroding human rights, I like to have guests over just as much as the next person. Here’s how to do it.

Australian-style invitation policy

When deciding who to invite to your gathering, I like to rate them according to whether they have useful skills for the UK. Ballerina? That’s a zero. Plumber? 2/10 for effort. Hedge fund manager who’s donated thousands to the Tory party? Let me get you some vol-au-vents!

Fantastic nibbles 

While I was in Israel I had lots of meetings with delectable bites of falafel, babka and chicken albondigas. I’d serve these but it brings back unhappy memories of having to resign because of my own stupidity, so my guests will be getting crudites and Tesco taramasalata.

Heterosexuals couples only

In keeping with my votes against gay marriage, I prefer to keep gatherings a hetero affair. I’ve got nothing against gay people, I just think straight, middle-aged, married couples are so much more fun. You can listen to classic 80s hits by Phil Collins and talk about Formula 1 all evening.

Patriotic food 

When I was growing up I learned many delicious, traditional Indian recipes, but these days I find it’s better to appeal to the Brexiters and people who aren’t fond of multiculturalism. So keep the food stodgily British – ham sandwiches, oxtail soup and a £2 prawn ring from Iceland. 

‘Deport’ hangers-on

If you’re struggling to get your guests to leave at the end of the evening, have them removed by border control officers. Being bundled into the back of a van sends out a firm message to other guests thinking of coming to your house and will ensure you’re in bed by 11.30.