Tuesday, 11th May 2021

60-day masturbation ban to boost economy

THE government is considering imposing a 60-day masturbation ban across the UK to encourage everyone to spend money instead. 

The ban on wanking, enforced by an army of ‘wank marshalls’, would force Britons desperate for quick gratification to buy goods online, revitalising the faltering economy and saving Britain. 

Chancellor Rishi Sunak said: “Wanking is free, pleasurable and available to everyone. It was only a matter of time before we banned it. 

“The prohibition on onanism will leave the UK’s economic units itching for an endorphin fix and with no idea what to do with their hands. They’ll have no option but to channel that erotic energy into bidding on eBay. 

“Instead of stimulating their genitals, which is selfish and benefits no one, they’ll be stimulating the economy. Instead of orgasms, they’ll get packages arriving to their doors within four to six days. 

“And the true sex-crazed beasts unable to control their urges will have to go out and find partners, which boosts the hospitality industry. It’s win-win. For us.” 

Jack Browne of Wilmslow said: “They can take my freedom, but they’ll never stop me wanking. Oh – there’s a nationwide porn blocker and my camera’s switched to always-on.”