Clocks go either back or forward this weekend or next weekend

THE UK has been reminded that the clocks go forward or possibly back, this Saturday or maybe the Saturday after.

The biannual ritual, which corrects time for the benefit of the ever-grateful farming community, will give everyone an extra hour in bed, or possibly an hour less.

A spokesman for Greenwich Royal Observatory said: “Frankly we’re sketchy on the specifics.

“You think we’re a bunch of people who look like Kraftwerk, sitting in a clock-covered spaceship that is calibrated to the last nano-second.

“Actually it’s a rented room above Greenwich Wetherspoons and we drink heavily through boredom.

“We advise boozing a lot on Saturday evening to avoid the jarring sensation of time dislocation, ideally blacking out before 1am.

“Wait until you’re properly pissed before changing the clocks. Use the alternating method – one forward then one backward and don’t be afraid to do the same clock twice.

“Set the telly to ITV+1 so you’re not spun out when you wake up, and if any device updates its own time it is the devil’s tool and should be smashed with a hammer.

“But it’s all up to you really, do what you want.”


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'No Christmas do this year' is best thing anyone's ever said to me, confirms office worker

AN office worker has confirmed that being told this year’s Christmas party is cancelled is the best sentence to ever enter his ears.

Administrator Joseph Turner held back tears of joy during the Zoom call where his boss announced that the festive celebration would have to be cancelled due to Covid restrictions.

Turner said: “As far as sentences go, it doesn’t get any better than that. Don’t tell the missus but this is a million times better than her personalised wedding vows.

“Finally, I get to enjoy Christmas without having to make awkward small talk next to a printer decked out in tinsel, or feign gratitude for a rubbish Secret Santa present. This is every office worker’s dream, and now I’m living it.

“I recorded the call so that magical sentence is saved for posterity. I look forward to showing it to my grandkids one day, who will undoubtedly ask me with wide-eyed fascination if 2020 was the best year of my life.

“And I’ll scoop them all up in my arms and say ‘absolutely’. Then I’ll have fun telling them all about the horrifically boring office Christmas parties they’ll have to go to.”