CONFUSED as to why we’re spunking £250 million on a big boat? Misguided patriotic bellend Steve Malley explains.
We need to rule the waves
As the song says, we need to have naval dominance or we’ll be slaves. And with the war going on there’s never been a greater need for an unarmed yacht with lots of flags on it. Russkie destroyers will take one look and leg it. They’re still shit scared of Nelson, probably.
It’ll be good for trade
As an island nation we rely on boats for imports and exports. So the national flagship could pay for itself as it picks up chicken from America, spices from India, and whatever we feel like plundering from Africa. (None of that EU rubbish, thanks.) Liz Truss could be captain and fill the national coffers sailing around the world selling cheese.
The Queen deserves it
The national flagship can double up as a Platinum Jubilee present for Her Majesty, meaning we don’t have to shell out for anything else. And considering the year she’s had, it’s only fair the Queen gets a decent prezzie. One look at those mighty funnels and she’ll completely forget about Prince Andrew being an ongoing source of national shame who owes her a fortune.
It’ll save face
With Brexit continuing to play out in questionable ways, there’s a risk other countries might laugh at our self-made misfortune. But nothing says ‘everything’s going just fine’ like a big expensive boat that nobody asked for. How else are we going to hide our faded glory? Invading India again is probably a bit out of order these days.
What else were we going to spend £250 million on?
£250 million is peanuts. It’s not even what we used to send to the EU every week if that bus is to be believed. And don’t say we could spend it on the cost of living crisis. I’m sure that families struggling to heat their homes or feed their kids would prefer a hugely expensive distraction in the form of a boat they’ll never go near.
