Why the national flagship isn't a massive f**king waste of money, by a patriotic idiot

CONFUSED as to why we’re spunking £250 million on a big boat? Misguided patriotic bellend Steve Malley explains.

We need to rule the waves

As the song says, we need to have naval dominance or we’ll be slaves. And with the war going on there’s never been a greater need for an unarmed yacht with lots of flags on it. Russkie destroyers will take one look and leg it. They’re still shit scared of Nelson, probably.

It’ll be good for trade

As an island nation we rely on boats for imports and exports. So the national flagship could pay for itself as it picks up chicken from America, spices from India, and whatever we feel like plundering from Africa. (None of that EU rubbish, thanks.) Liz Truss could be captain and fill the national coffers sailing around the world selling cheese.

The Queen deserves it

The national flagship can double up as a Platinum Jubilee present for Her Majesty, meaning we don’t have to shell out for anything else. And considering the year she’s had, it’s only fair the Queen gets a decent prezzie. One look at those mighty funnels and she’ll completely forget about Prince Andrew being an ongoing source of national shame who owes her a fortune.

It’ll save face

With Brexit continuing to play out in questionable ways, there’s a risk other countries might laugh at our self-made misfortune. But nothing says ‘everything’s going just fine’ like a big expensive boat that nobody asked for. How else are we going to hide our faded glory? Invading India again is probably a bit out of order these days. 

What else were we going to spend £250 million on?

£250 million is peanuts. It’s not even what we used to send to the EU every week if that bus is to be believed. And don’t say we could spend it on the cost of living crisis. I’m sure that families struggling to heat their homes or feed their kids would prefer a hugely expensive distraction in the form of a boat they’ll never go near.

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Curtains haircuts, and other mistakes of the 90s young people keep repeating

GENERATION Z thinks they’re more switched on than the rest of us. So how come they keep making these mistakes of the 1990s?


Zoomers’ ancestors experimented with curtains decades ago and gradually realised centre partings look shit. For all their hatred of side partings, the younger generation should realise that they’re the lesser of two evils. Once their hairlines start to recede they’ll be begging their barbers for a cut that sweeps across their forehead.

Falling for bullshit fads

Fads were huge in the 90s, but at least Tamagotchis and Beanie Babies weren’t harvesting our data on an industrial scale. Gen Z teens know they’re getting data-mined from the second they wake up, yet still they download TikTok to record tedious lip sync videos. Perhaps we should welcome the fall of Western civilisation after all.

Using nauseating slang

Yes, back in the 90s people really would say ‘gnarly’ and ‘wassup?’ without a hint of irony, which is a bit rich for a decade which aspired to be aloof and self-aware. However this lexicon is nothing compared to today’s embarrassing slang. Plus every utterance of ‘stan’ and ‘glow up’ will be recorded for posterity in HD on a smartphone.

Having a Friends obsession

Comedy was in a weird place during the 90s. For every Fast Show and Brass Eye there was a Home Improvement or Veronica’s Closet. Perhaps we clung to Friends out of confusion, but there’s something unnatural about today’s young people being really into Chandler. Pity their kids though, who will grow up during the Little Britain revival.

Waging inter-generational warfare

Every generation has their cross to bear. Boomers f**ked everything up, Gen X brought us the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Millennials made liking Harry Potter compulsory. Zoomers could break the cycle of intergenerational tribalism, but instead they’re calling us ‘cheugy’ and mistakenly thinking they’ll be coolest demographic forever. Here’s hoping the next bullshit generation rips the piss.