Woman discovers she isn't that popular after moving to remote part of London

A WOMAN has discovered she is not all that popular after moving to a part of London that is quite hard to travel to.

Graphic designer Joanna Kramer believed friends enjoyed her lively, interesting personality until she moved to an area of Putney that cannot be reached without a lot of hassle on trains and buses.

She said: “People weren’t interested in my witty conversation, just my proximity to a convenient Tube station and some okay pubs.

“No one comes to meet me now I live somewhere hard to get to. I don’t know what’s worse, knowing my friends are fickle bastards or the suspicion that I might be quite boring.

“Maybe people weren’t that interested in my deliciously controversial opinions or ability to quote most of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

Friend Martin Bishop said: “Jo’s personality, pleasant though it is, isn’t worth an interminable journey to Putney, especially if you have to get back on a night bus.

“She keeps trying to get us to go over by offering to cook and put people up for the night, but I’m not sure I want to be mates with someone who thinks you can buy friendship.”

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Government to build 200,000 starter shitholes

MINISTERS have confirmed plans to build affordable shithole houses across the UK.

Over 200,000 shitholes will be constructed this year, 142,000 of which will fall down with six months.

A government spokesman said: “We’re really flinging these things up, we’re cutting a few corners along the way but then who needs a roof when the weather will probably be okay for a bit now.

“The building firms are getting paid so that’s the main thing.”

Homebuyer Susan Traherne said: “We bought a two-bed semi on a new estate called ‘Countrydale’.

“It looked lovely in the pictures but when we moved in we found it had no windows and every room was a bathroom. It’s like one of those trippy Escher pictures where you can’t tell up from down.”

The government spokesman added: “It’s a house and it’s under a quarter of a million. Do you want fucking jam on it?”