Woman thrown out of bar for ordering non-artisan gin

A WOMAN has been ejected from a bar for not caring about the 400 different brands of gin on offer.

Nikki Hollis, an accountant from Clapham, arrived at the bar after a hard day at work and just wanted to be handed a very strong drink as soon as possible.

Hollis, 35, said: “The bartender made a big show of asking what type of gin I wanted. I said that Gordon’s was fine and he got all snooty and said they didn’t serve populist brands.

“He handed me a menu which was a very long list of irritating names and descriptions. One gin was described as ‘cutting edge’, which made me furious as it’s just a drink made from potatoes and berries that gets people wankered, no matter how many sprigs of lavender you put in it.”

She added: “In the end I told him that if he didn’t immediately give me a massive glass of cheap alcohol I’d punch him in the face.

“That’s when I got chucked out.”

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Woman outrages neighbours by barbecuing for herself

A MIDLANDS woman has outraged friends and neighbours by having a barbecue without any man being in attendance.

Joanna Kramer of Nottingham aroused suspicion when she was seen wheeling the barbecue out of the garage even though her partner was known to be away on business.

Neighbour Stephen Malley said: “I shouted over the fence ‘Just getting that ready for Chris, are you?’, a warning couched in my words.

“She replied ‘Oh, it’s such a lovely day I thought I’d do it myself,’ and put on his apron. Not her apron. His special ‘The Grillfather’ apron.

“Her hands were all over his Tex-Mex marinade, his bourbon-soaked hickory chips, his signature hot sauce. It was a violation of every gender boundary in our society and I couldn’t tear my eyes away.

“I took a sausage, God help me. It tasted incredible. Somehow she’s learned how to cook meat, but where I don’t know because she’s never out of the kitchen.”

Malley added: “She’s a witch obviously and we must burn her. Next time we get a sunny weekend.”