Woman who describes herself as 'random' actually means 'really annoying'

A WOMAN who claims to be ‘so random’ is actually just a massive pain in the arse, her friends have confirmed.

31-year-old Nikki Hollis has used the excuse of being random to justify crashing her car, quitting her job to attend a hula hooping summer school and sleeping with an Ocado delivery driver the day before she was due to get married.

Friend Francesca Johnson said: “Randomness seems to be a get out of jail free card for people like Nikki who enjoy doing idiotic things but aren’t prepared to take responsibility for them.

“I was prepared to tolerate it when we were in our twenties and being random meant she would get hammered and throw up in her shoes. However, I’ve got two kids now and whilst they think it’s funny when Auntie Nikki turns up with a duck she’s stolen from the local park, I don’t.

“I just keep hoping she’ll do the ultimate random thing and go and join a cult somewhere distant like Kuala Lumpur.”

Hollis said: “I know everyone hates me. But I can’t help it because I’m so random!”

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Brexit bill to be a terrible betrayal of someone

THE Brexit bill coming to the Commons this afternoon will definitely end up being a terrible betrayal of someone, MPs have agreed. 

No matter which of the 15 proposed amendments are voted through, politicians will be stabbing either Brexiters, Remainers, small businesses, large businesses, Scotland, Northern Ireland or the prime minister in the back. 

Susan Traherne, Labour MP for Stretford and Urmston, said: “I’m a Remainer from a Leave constituency in a party whose members voted Remain but whose leader is secretly hard Leave, so I’m fucked every way up. 

“I could betray my constituents by backing the amendment for a meaningful vote but then the Sun’s screaming at me not to, and my rule usually is that if you do the opposite of what the Sun says then you can’t go wrong. 

“Will a hard Brexit break up the UK? Will a soft Brexit spark armed revolution? Does my own opinion that we cannot trust this government not to fuck absolutely everything up count for anything? 

“In the end I’ve decided to focus on just one of my constituents and betray him personally. Darren Wells, butcher of Moorside Road, Urmston, I’m voting everything you don’t want. This one’s for you.”