Woman's handbag basically a dustbin with leather handles

A WOMAN’S designer leather handbag has gradually evolved into a crap-filled portable dustbin.

Emma Howard’s bag is so full of food wrappers, receipts, used tissues, crumbled face powder, tampons and other crap it takes her at least three hours to find her car keys.

Emma said: “I started off using it for a few chocolate wrappers when I couldn’t find a bin and it escalated from there.

“Next thing you know I was using it for everything…old shoes, flat tyres, a dead mouse the cat dragged in. I am pretty sure there’s a shopping trolley in there somewhere.

“I think the problem is that I really need a bigger bag.”

Emma’s, partner Tom, said: “I don’t understand how she can just carry a pile of shit around in her bag every day like it’s totally normal.

“She may as well use a bloody wheelie bin.”

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Best not to think about what cheese is, say experts

EXPERTS have agreed that it is best for everyone if we neither think about nor acknowledge what cheese actually is.

The Institute for Studies confirmed that while deep down we all know where is comes from, it would be detrimental to give it any thought at all.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “It’s fine to think about what milk is, but not too much, and to exercise caution when considering the origin of yoghurt.

“But it’s best to imagine that cheese is simply grown in the ground, picked from a tree or manufactured in a laboratory.

“There is no other food with the, ahem, provenance of cheese that we eat as often. Therefore, it is pointless to concede that it is just a lump of curdled milk and it comes out of a cow’s big, dirty tit. We’d never eat it again. Oh God.”