Women can now eat crisps

WOMEN are finally able to eat crisps with their delicate lady mouths thanks to the launch of a female-friendly version of the popular snack.

The new ‘girl crisp’, made with sugar, spice and all things nice, allows women to consume them without making any brutish crunching sounds.

Emma Hollis, from Leeds, said:  “I have been using crisps as pot pourri and hair slides so it is good to think I can now scoff them in a fancy, ladylike fashion.

“One hundred years after women won the right to vote, we now have crisps made especially for women. This is what Pankhurst fought for.

“No more hiding in the bathroom to munch on tangy cheese. No more sucking on a Dorito until it’s silently soggy. 

“This is just a dream come true.”

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Grandmother doing whatever the f**k she wants 

A GRANDMOTHER has confirmed that she has reached an age where socially accepted standards of behaviour no longer apply to her.

82-year-old Ethel Booker’s hobbies include very slowly jaywalking across busy roads, chatting up the 20-year-old gardener and loudly saying disgusting, unthinkable things in public, just because she can.

She said: “What nobody tells you about growing old is that traffic just stops for you. Nobody wants to be the guy who ran over a little old lady.

“I can also ogle Tom, the handsome gardener while he works, and shout things like ‘show me your cock’. If anyone says anything I just burst into tears and say he reminds me of my late husband.”

Granddaughter Emma Booker said: “The other day we went for afternoon tea and Granny ordered a ‘lemon turd.’ When I corrected her, she replied: ‘I know what I said’.

“I’m happy she’s having fun, but I do wish she’d stop loudly telling random passers-by that they’re all fucking arseholes.”