Why I wish I’d listened to that careers advisor, by Theresa May

WHEN I told the school career’s advisor I’d like to be prime minister, they laughed and said I was more suited to being an undertaker. How I wish I had done that instead.

But I ignored their advice and pursued a career in politics. Though having about as much emotional depth as a slice of wet ham would no doubt have been a plus in the embalming room, the lure of greatness was too much.

But now filling decomposing chest cavities with formaldehyde sounds like it would offer a lot more job satisfaction than trying to manage Brexit.

An endless succession of lifeless cadavers would be better company on a daily basis than Johnson, Gove, Davis and all rest of them. Jacob Rees-Mogg has all the charm and warmth of a dead body, yet is still able to talk, unfortunately. And Arlene Foster is more terrifying close up than even the most mangled corpse could possibly be.

I’m clearly incapable of running a country. Maybe I would be incapable of being an undertaker too. But at least I could just nail the lid of the coffin shut and no one would be able to tell what an almighty mess I’d made.

I don’t think I’m going to get away with that as prime minister.

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Man who wants to know if you can still pay women a compliment would never pay a woman a compliment

A MAN outraged about potentially having a comment misconstrued is in no danger of it ever happening.

Wayne Hayes has expressed deep anger over “pandering to girls with hairy armpits” after learning that you should not say whatever you want to whoever you want, whenever you want.

Even though Hayes has not come close to complimenting a member of the opposite sex since 1985, he is still red in the face about losing the option.

He said: “Not that I would, but can I say ‘thanks’ when my wife brings me some toast? Is it still OK for me to think about holding the door for some slow moving Doris, before getting tired and walking off?

“The problem today is that no matter what you do or say, you’re in the wrong. For example, if I were to tell my bus driver that she had ‘nice tits’ someone somewhere would have a problem with it.”