Everyone in office can tell man got laid at weekend

AN entire office is painfully aware that one of their colleagues got it at the weekend, it has been confirmed.

Normally sullen marketing manager Stephen Malley has been offering to make tea, sitting back in his chair, sighing wistfully and checking his reflection while grinning like a tit.

Colleague Helen Archer said: “I shouldn’t be mean because he’s five foot eight and is really into paintball, so it is quite the achievement.

“But he’s so pleased with himself it’s making me nauseous. And the hints he’s dropping. ‘Let’s just say we had a particularly lovely evening’.

“Right. Gotcha.”

Malley said: “Is it me, or does the office seem like a magical, joyous place full of people who thought I would never have sex?”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Couple sure insanely expensive wedding will make them fancy each other

A COUPLE in the final stages of planning a wedding believe it will finally make them attracted to each other.

Nikki Hollis and Tom Booker think a lavish event will turn them into a loving couple rather than two people who find each other quite irritating but reckon it is better than nothing.

Hollis said: “Having a perfect wedding will prove Tom and I are deeply in love really, even if we rarely have sex and argue constantly about ludicrous things like buying a new kettle.

“Tom’s traditional morning suit even makes him look slightly attractive if I use my imagination a bit.

“I’m sure our honeymoon in Dubai and my new lingerie will inflame his passions and he won’t just stay up till 2am drinking lager and watching Traffic Cops.”

Booker said: “Hopefully the wedding will be the romantic equivalent of going to a football match at a big stadium where you get carried along by the atmosphere even if you don’t really care about the teams.

“It might not, so on honeymoon I plan to go scuba diving and have a ride in a helicopter so I’ll have some memories I can cherish forever.”